


Nepenthe

by CompletelyDifferent, Swordtheguy



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, Family, Friendship, Gen, Memory Alteration, Recovery, Time Skips, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 09:09:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10613760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompletelyDifferent/pseuds/CompletelyDifferent, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy
Summary: Nepenthe: a drug of forgetfulness, used to remove sorrowOn a solo mission through an abandoned Homeworld laboratory, Pearl stumbles across a mysterious fusion who knows a dangerous amount about the Crystal Gems. Who is this 'Garnet', and what threat does she pose?





	1. Chapter 1

Pearl was restless.

Or, perhaps not restless. Bored, maybe. Or fidgety. Or nostalgic.

It was silly, really, but she wanted to be _moving_. Things had been awfully quiet lately. Which was enjoyable, of course. It was nice not having to face off against some threat or other every month. Homeworld had been quiet for a long time now, and even the monsters seemed to have relaxed a bit; their attacks were few and sporadic, and when they happened, easily dealt with.

And Pearl had been enjoying herself. Keeping busy. Movie nights, family dinners, training, song recording, long walks with Spinel…

… but Pearl was a warrior. A warrior by choice. And she had to admit that she was seeking something of a challenge. A real challenge, not just friendly sparring with Bismuth or Connie or the others. Something different. Something _unexpected_.

A bit silly. A bit indulgent, perhaps. But a big group of the Gems were planning to go see a movie (some new Western, apparently; they were all very excited), but Pearl just wasn’t in the mood to sit in a movie theatre for two hours, trying to keep up with the ridiculousness of human entertainment. Steven was staying behind to cook, an activity she usually enjoyed— the neat recipes to follow, the applied chemistry of it all—

— but just then, she felt much more inclined to wield a spear than a vegetable knife.

So Pearl decided to go exploring.

It wasn’t something she’d done much, not since the early days, back when it had been just her, Rose Quartz, and Spinel. Where there’d been a mystery behind every tree, where they’d had to keep moving, constantly, for fear of Homeworld finding them. At the time it had been equal parts terrifying and exhilarating and wondrous, and Pearl wasn’t quite sure when she’d allowed herself to lose that.

(Well, she could guess. Probably some point during the war.)

Pearl shook her head, and pushed the thought away.

Her first instinct was to go the Battlefields, but she stopped herself at the last moment. She didn’t want to go chasing ghosts; she wanted new experiences. She warped off to places almost at random. She visited the Lunar Sea Spire, now nothing more than underwater ruins, coral and kelp already growing from the old statues. She visited the Galaxy Warp, more out of a general background paranoia to ensure they were all still inactive. She checked the Communication Hub for a similar reason, but it too was broken, completely destroyed. Nonetheless, the place still gave her a strange sense of background anxiety, so she moved on quickly.

Not once did she find a single monster. Perhaps it was simply that after so long, the Crystal Gems had finally succeeded in capturing all the corrupted.

After nearly two hours of warping, she finally arrived somewhere new, at least for her. A rocky, mountainous region, almost completely bare of any growth aside from low shrubs and bushes.

For most of the war, the place had been a no-Gem’s zone, a place of little strategic value. It was only in the final decades of conflict that Homeworld had set up a base there, one kept both very secret and very well guarded. After initial scouting, the Crystal Gems had sent in a few spies and small raiding parties, but almost no one had returned-- and those who had had been in poor shape, and with little helpful information to show for it. It had been decided the place was too risky, and the Crystal Gems had focused their efforts on more obvious targets.

Well. The place had been long abandoned. Perhaps it finally deserved some investigation.

Assuming Pearl could find it.

It took a little bit of poking around the rocks, inside crevices and such, but eventually she managed to track down the base. It was well hidden under a rocky outcropping, in a spot which would have been very well defended, and blocked by a very well fortified door.

… Or what must have been a well fortified door, once. It had been destroyed, leaving nothing but a perfectly squared opening in the mountainside. Pearl frowned, and reached out to touch the metal that remained. Up close, it wasn’t nearly so smooth: the metal looked warped, almost as if it had been melted down.

Strange. A lot of damage had been sustained in the last days of the rebellion, and in the panic of Homeworld’s evacuation. But this looked like it had been attacked from the _outside_. Had someone been trying to get in? Who, and why?

Only one way to find out. Pearl went inside.

The place was plain and utilitarian, the walls the same dull grey of the bedrock it had been built out of, the corridors dim from the faint lighting spells that had been placed there so long ago. Pearl used the light from her own gem to help guide her. Many of the doors were shut, barred against access to anyone without the right credentials, and far too heavy for her to break through on her own. What rooms she could get into appeared to be laboratories. She knew that compared to what current-day Homeworld had, this place was antiquated, but to Pearl’s own eyes the technology housed there looked highly advanced. This had been state of the art when it was built; so much so that much of the equipment’s purpose Pearl couldn’t determine the purpose of, at least at such a superficial glance. Once she had ensured the place was safe, she would have to conduct a more thorough analysis.

After some time, she came to a chamber which did have equipment she recognised. Computer screens, scalpels, power monitors… most of it destroyed, or at least damaged and scattered about the place. There were dents in the walls, cracks in the floor. There’d been a fight here.

Pearl moved quickly and efficiently, trying to see if she could discern any clues to what had happened there, until she finally came across something she did recognise. A large cylindrical object, big enough to hold something as large as even a quartz. A stasis pod.

Pearl was vaguely familiar with the pods. They were a way to keep a Gem in suspension without destroying their physical forms. After the invention of bubbling, they’d rarely been used. They were just less efficient, taking up more space and requiring an active energy input to keep from failing.

This stasis pod wasn’t being used for its intended purpose, however. Gazing through the glass into pink fluid, Pearl found not a single unconscious Gem, but rather two poofed gemstones floating inside. One was red, one was blue: it took a moment of studying for Pearl to recognise their type. A Ruby and a Sapphire.

Odd.

If they had been put in stasis before the Corruption— which surely they must have done; monsters hardly had the mental capacity to do such a thing— then perhaps they would still be…

And if they weren’t. Well. Two small monsters would be easily dealt with. And Pearl _had_ been itching for a proper fight.

The console controlling the pod had been smashed beyond repair, so instead, she simply summoned her trident and thrust it through the glass. It broke, the stasis fluid spilling out onto the floor, the two gemstones with it. They clicked when they hit the stone floor, but probably not enough to be damaged.

Pearl stepped back and gripped her weapon, just in case.

Almost instantly, the stones floated back up and began to glow, red and blue. Bodies formed: head and arms and legs— surely, at any moment, they would start to regress, to sprout wings and claws and feathers—

—but they didn’t.

Within moments, a Sapphire and a Ruby stood there, completely normal.

Pearl’s deduction had been correct. That didn’t stop her from blinking in surprise and saying, “You’re alright.”

The Sapphire looked between herself, the Ruby, and Pearl (or her head moved, at least: her eye was hidden) and said, “So we are!”

“Not so fast,” the Ruby said, taking the Sapphire by the hand, where her gemstone was. She clutched at it, looking it over, and when she saw it wasn’t cracked, burst into a grin. “Looks good. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. How about you?” the Sapphire said, now taking the Ruby’s hand in turn and repeating the ritual.

“‘Course,” the Ruby scoffed. “Takes more than that to scratch the mightiest Ruby to have ever popped out of the ground.”

The Sapphire giggled. “I would hope so. Otherwise, I—”

Pearl coughed. “Ahem?”

The pair looked at her, finally letting go of one another, their demeanor shifting. The Ruby’s eyes grew wide, and the Sapphire brushed her hair away from her face to look to see more clearly.

“Pearl,” Sapphire said. “Thank you.”

Pearl nodded. She wasn’t sure who these two were, or how they’d gotten here— but they weren’t corrupted, they didn’t bear diamonds on their clothes, and they were polite. “You’re welcome.”

The Ruby was looking around. “Where’s Amethyst and Steven?”

Pearl stiffened. “How do you know about them?”

The Sapphire and the Ruby froze.

“Oh no,” the Sapphire said, while the Ruby stamped on the floor. They reached out for each other again, and this time—

—this time they _fused_.

Pearl stared in horror and incomprehension at the flash of red light, at the being that formed before her. Tall, lithe, with strange proportions and _three eyes_ and—

“Pearl, it’s okay,” the fusion said, taking a step closer to her. “Pearl, please, it’s just me, Garnet—”

“Get back,” Pearl snarled. “Unfuse. You’re not supposed to be here.”

She— (they?)—stopped moving forward, at least, but didn’t unfuse. Her voice was pleading. “ _Pearl_.”

Pearl was doing her best to remain calm.  "You're supposed to be _dead_. Every Gem on this planet is _dead_ , and it's because of fusion that they are!"

“That's not true.”

"Yes, it is. The first fusion that ever existed was a Ruby and Sapphire, like you, and they were killed for what happened to them. Fusion just invites death."

"Pearl, I _am_ that fusion."

Pearl stared at the stranger, shocked at the audacity of the lie. “That's impossible. I _saw_ her gems be crushed. Right there in the court. I... I still remember her name.”

“Garnet.”

“How do you know that?” Pearl demanded.

“Because I'm her.” The fusion pressed a hand against her chest. “ _I'm_ Garnet.”

“Then…” Pearl shook her head. “No. No, it can't be. Rose was there. I remember her... having to tell Spinel that—”

The fusion’s eyes flashed. “Spinel,” she said, a visor appearing to cover her face. “She did this. She’s been with you.”

“Of course,” said Pearl. How did this Gem— Gem _s—_  know so much about her, and her team?

“Take me to her, Pearl. Please.”

Pearl’s eyes narrowed even further. “Why?”

“We have business.”

Well. Pearl wasn’t going to stand here and be ordered around by some fusion, one with dangerous degrees of knowledge and no answers to be offered. She raised her trident, prepared to go on the offensive. “You better explain more than that.”

“I-” ‘Garnet’ shook her head. “You need to tell me what happened to everyone. Steven, Amethyst, Connie—”

“ _How do you know so much about us_?”

“Because... I... I know you. All of you. You're... my family.”

“Family?” Pearl spat out the human word. “I've never even met you.”

‘Garnet’ sighed. “I need to see her. Spinel. It's important. And it's the only way you can get any answers about me. So whatever you have to do to make you feel safe or ensure I'm not a threat, do it. But I _must_ talk to Spinel.”

Pearl considered. “...I'll poof you. Bubble your gems. Take you back that way.”

There was a pause.

“Fine,” the fusion said. “Whatever you need to, Pearl. I trust you.”

Pearl didn't nod. Didn’t take time to think. Just readjusted the grip on her trident, and lunged forward. The fusion simply stood there, watching, didn't try to move or dodge as the spear embedded itself in her chest.

She gasped, softly. There was a glow as her components lost their connection and fell apart. The Ruby and the Sapphire crashed to the ground, then clutched at each other. The Ruby's face was screwed up in tears, fixed on Pearl, the Sapphire's body arced protectively around the other Gem...

Pearl raised her trident. Two more strikes. That was all that was needed.

But she couldn't.

They looked _exactly like_ the Ruby and Sapphire from the Sky Arena, so long ago. Even down to the position of their gems. Pearl could still see it perfectly in her mind's eyes— how small they'd looked as they'd been crushed between Blue Diamond's hands, reduced to dust—

This wasn't the same. Pearl wasn't going to shatter them. She was just going to bubble them. She was just trying to protect her family.

But Rose wouldn't have liked this, she thought. And Steven _certainly_ wouldn't.

Pearl lowered her weapon, the tips of the trident clanging against the metal floor.

"What? Pearl, I-" the Sapphire began, only to stop herself when Pearl's gaze returned to them.

"You want to meet Spinel. I still don't why, but... you haven't tried to attack me. And you were even going to let me bubble your gems." Pearl shook her head. "I don't know what exactly you're end goal is..." Pearl sighed. "But you said you trusted me. Even though we've never met."

The Ruby made a motion, as if she were going to say something, but the Sapphire laid a hand on her arm and that seemed to stop the thought.

"So come on. Follow me," Pearl straightened up, though she kept her spear held tightly in her hand. "I'll lead you back to the Temple. Spinel should be there. And you can have your meeting." She turned and took a few steps away, before looking back over her shoulder. "Stay close. And no fusing."


	2. Chapter 2

Pearl, the Ruby and the Sapphire walked in uneasy silence. Out of the laboratory, through the corridors, past the locked doors, out into the evening air, over the rocks, towards the warp pad. Pearl watched the strange pair in the warp stream. They were still clutching at each other, and Pearl got the sense that it was taking all their restraint not to refuse.

 _Disgraceful_ , part of her thought.

But another part of her thought it was kind of... sweet.

They came to the Temple, filled with the smell of cooking human food— lots of cheese and grease, and no hint of anything indigestible by humans, so she could tell instantly that it was Steven at the helm.

"Welcome back!" he said, looking up from the cutting board. "Everyone else is still out, I was kind of afraid I'd be eating alone ton— Oh, who're your friends?"

"Good question," said Pearl.

The Ruby and Sapphire were openly staring.

"Steven..." whispered the Sapphire.

"You're so _big_ ," said the Ruby.

Steven _was_ quite big, it had to be said. After remaining so stubbornly small throughout most of his adolescence, he’d shot up quite quickly a couple years ago, and was now nearly as tall as his mother had been.

"How old are you?" the Sapphire asked, letting go of the Ruby for the first time to step closer.

"Uh... hi. I'm eighteen. Nineteen next week. Er... who're you?"

The Ruby and Sapphire both seemed physically shaken. The Sapphire’s mouth quivered as she seemed to try and voice another question. But the only thing that came out was wordless noise. It was the Ruby that spoke first:

"Eight...teen... Almost _five years_ ," she closed her eyes and scrunched her face into her hand. "No! It can't! Sapphire!" She turned to the still wordless Sapphire. "Ya gotta tell me. There's something wrong! It can't be-..." She looked back at a thoroughly confused Steven. "We _can't_ have missed all that time!"

"I-... I..." That was all the Sapphire could manage.

"Uhh, okay," Steven said slowly. He had placed the cutting knife down on the counter. "Uh, Pearl? Are they... okay?"

"I'm not sure," Pearl answered, her eyes on the pair. "I found them in a stasis pod in an abandoned lab. They... seem to know things about us."

"Like my name, for starters."

Pearl nodded. "And they want to meet with Spinel."

The Ruby's gaze shot upwards. "Spinel-! This is her fault!"

Steven put up his hands, consolingly. "Now, just breathe," he said. He came closer. "Why don't you explain what's wrong? I'm sure whatever's going on on, we can sort it out..."

"No, we can't!" the Ruby yelled.

Steven stepped back. He knew how temperamental rubies could be, and in no rush to get burned.

This one was angry, but she at least didn’t seem to want to attack him. Mostly, she just looked like she was going to start crying. Sapphire (that’s what the Ruby had called her, right?) was hugging her, consoling her.

"I'm sorry, Steven, Pearl," the Sapphire said. "We just wanted to protect you. We failed."

"Protect us from what?" said Pearl, coming to stand besides Steven.

The Ruby and Sapphire looked at them. The Ruby's expression was filled with anguish and while much of the Sapphire’s face was hidden, Pearl noted a trail left by tears going down and tripping off of her nose.

_What was going on with these two?_

"What were you trying to protect us from?" Pearl asked.

The two small Gems kept staring at them and, perhaps in response to the question, the sound of the warp pad activating rang through the house.

"Hey, dudes! We're back! Dinner ready?”

Heads snapped to the warp pad. Spinel and Amethyst were back from the movies. smelling heavily of butter and salt, Amethyst still munching on an empty popcorn bag. Her expression shifted to one of confusion when she saw the scene before her. Spinel’s did too— and then her face withdrew into something sharper. The expression of a leader.

"Oh," she said.

The Ruby and Sapphire's faces flashed from sad to _angry_ in an instant. There was a clap of light and then a—

—a fusion stood there.

(Steven had never seen a fusion before. He gaped, even as the shield appeared on his arm, just in case.)

"Get her," Spinel ordered.

"Wait," said Steven, "can't we just talk this out?"

Pearl had summoned her weapon as well, but she too seemed uncertain about using it. And Amethyst just looked confused. "What's going on—?"

"Doesn't matter. She's dangerous," Spinel said, gripping Amethyst by the arm.

All confusion drained from Amethyst’s face in an instant. She nodded once, and flung herself at the fusion.

It happened almost too fast to see. Amethyst's whip struck out; the fusion grabbed it in a gauntlet, pulled her forward in a single quick movement, and then had her caught.

"Sorry," Garnet said. She squeezed, and Amethyst's body exploded in a poof of purple light.

Steven yelled, rushing forward to catch Amethyst's gem, while Pearl lunged at the fusion, all reservations gone.

Somehow the fusion predicted the attack, sidestepping it easily. Spinel was trying to rush past her and give Pearl some back up. Again, the fusion moved too quickly, and managed to trap Spinel in a headlock. Though their leader struggled, she couldn't break free of the fusion’s grip.

"Let her go," Steven ordered.

"I can't," said Garnet, backing up towards the warp pad.

"I'll destroy your body," Pearl threatened, her spear glowing with an unreleased laser charge.

"Do it, if you must. I'll destroy Spinel's body before you can," said the fusion. "But I want to talk, first." She glared at Spinel. "What did you _do_ to them?"

"Nothing!" Spinel cried. "Let go of me, you freak—"

There was a purple light. Amethyst was already regenerating. Steven sighed with relief as he held her out and let the gemstone float into the air. They sure could use her help.

Amethyst, though, didn't seem to be in much of a position to give it. She stared around the room, dazed and panicked. "I— what— what just—" Her eyes widened when she saw him. "Steven?" She took in the standoff by the warp pad. "G-Garnet, what's going on?"

Spinel's expression turned from anger to... something else. Was that fear?

"A-Amethyst! Quick, grab my hand!" Spinel said, even though both her arms were pinned to her side by the fusion's hold.

Amethyst, however, merely looked confused. Her eyes kept darting between them, from the fusion, to Spinel, to Steven, to Pearl. Her mouth opened and, for a moment no noise came out, until she was able to speak, "Garnet, what... what's happening. I-..." She closed her eyes and squeezed at her temples. "Why am I here? The last thing I..." She trailed off before her eyes landed back on Spinel. It was as if she was seeing her for the first time.

"Amethyst?" Steven asked carefully. "Are you alright?"

Amethyst didn't answer. Instead she pointed an accusatory finger at Spinel. "You! You're that Gem you attacked me and Peri! You-... You somehow made Lapis attack us and hold us down with water and then-..." Her brow knitted in thought. "And then I remember waking up here. Right now."

Again her eyes traced over Garnet, Spinel, Pearl, and finally Steven. Her eyes lingered on him for a while.

"Steven?"

"Yeah?"

"How'd you get so big?"

"By... growing up?"

"Amethyst," said Spinel, but she didn't know how to follow it up.

"It's been five years, Amethyst," said Garnet. "This Gem controlled you all for _five years_."

" _What_." Amethyst face turned dark, stormy, as her whip appeared and she advanced on Spinel.

"What— this is _ridiculous_ ," said Pearl. "Amethyst, calm down— Spinel hasn't been _controlling_ us—"

"Yeah, she's our friend,” said Steven. “Our leader.”

"This fusion is controlling Amethyst's mind," Spinel said. "We need to ac—"

"LIAR," Garnet snarled. " _Hypocrite_. You locked me away and you took control of them all—"

Amethyst reached forward to grab Spinel. The fusion must not have been expecting that, because Garnet flinched back suddenly. Her her grip loosened, just enough, for Spinel to slip out. She quickly dashed across the room, to Pearl and Steven's side. Steven breathed with relief to have her with them, even as every other one of his nerves remained on edge.

"Get away from her!" Garnet cried. Even with her eyes hidden behind shades, it was fairly clear that she was looking straight at Spinel.

"No, everyone. Just calm down," Steven tried his best to implore everyone to just be _sensible_ for a moment.

"No way, dude. We're way past calmness," Amethyst said, her grip tightening on her whip. "She— freaking had me under control! For years! Just like she did with Lapis!" She bit her lip before continuing, "No way, Steven."

"Amethyst." Pearl's voice had an edge to it. "Try to think clearly. The fusion is manipulating you."

"No she's not, guys. This is-... Ya don't know who she is.”

"Amethyst." This time it was Garnet. "We'll handle the specifics later. For now, we need to contain Spinel."

Spinel, who had been standing behind Steven and Pearl, finally stepped forward.

"Okay. Our plan of action is simple." She placed a hand on either of their shoulders. "First we deal with the fusion. _Then_ we can help Amethyst. Alright?"

Amethyst and Garnet had a single moment in which to take in Pearl and Steven's transformed expressions. Cold. Fierce. Determined.

Then the fighting started. A frisbee and spear came hurtling towards Garnet; she barely had time to dodge. Already more were coming, again and again, a barrage.

With a fling of her whip, Amethyst was at least able to throw Pearl backwards, tying her up and stopping her assault. She screamed and squirmed, trying without success, to break free. Steven, however, had his shield out, protecting both him and Spinel. He was untouchable. And even if he wasn't, neither of his friends were willing to go at him full strength.

Spinel was clutching at Steven, ordering him to attack Garnet, make her unfuse, and then everything would be fine. His mouth was drawn back in a snarl of hatred, which looked utterly wrong on his face.

"Fusions are immune," Garnet told Amethyst, as they backed up. "I'm safe, but you can't let her touch you."

Amethyst nodded. "Got it."

And then she rolled forward in a flaming blur.

Spinel hadn't been expecting it, and Steven certainly hadn't.  Even with his shield, Amethyst’s full speed was enough to knock Steven over, sending him backwards with enough force to crash right through the door. Amethyst leapt over his and Spinel's prone bodies onto the porch, Garnet hot on her heels. Down they went, onto the beach. Out here, they had room to manoeuvre.

And to dance.

Amethyst held out her hand to Garnet, who took it, instantly understanding her meaning.

It was not a fun dance. It was fast, and fierce, and over in an instant, Sugilite coming into existence with a righteous roar.

"YOU WANT ME SPINEL? COME AND GET ME!”

Spinel did not. She sent her puppets after her instead.

Pearl had finally broken free of her bindings, and Steven was back on his feet, they two of them staring down from the porch. They looked _disgusted_ what they saw. Disgusted, and furious.

"How _dare_ you trap Amethyst in a fusion!" Steven cried, flinging another shield.

"Amethyst! Listen to me! You're losing yourself!" Pearl cried.

Spear blasts and shield frisbees hit Sugilite in the face. She grunted, not so much from physical pain, but emotional. This was uncomfortably familiar. The beach, at twilight, with Sugilite on the attack. She burned with embarrassment— both at ever having done such a thing, and at the defeat she'd suffered. Pearl had taken her down before, and she could do it again, especially with back-up of a grown up Steven.

But no. This was different. Sugilite had been blinded by rage, before: _this_ rage was clear and pure. Steven and Pearl were the ones blinded, their minds clouded. They did not know Garnet, or Sugilite, or fusion, or what they had up their sleeves.

That was when Pearl threw Steven, encased in a ball of spikes, right at her head.

Sugilite stumbled backwards. It _hurt_.

She tried to catch the spiked ball in one of her hands, but it was too sharp, and she was forced to drop it at her feet. No doubt Steven would assault her again, but now Pearl was running at her, leaping off the porch, shooting laser after laser, which burned and scalded—

—but also left her wide open. Clearly, whatever compulsion Spinel had placed on her had dulled her tactics. Sugilite plucked her out of the air, easily.

"Sorry Pearly," Sugilite said, and she took no pleasure snapping her tiny body like a twig. She caught Pearl's gem, and held it carefully, gently, between two fingers.

"PEARL!" Sugilite heard Steven scream, followed by a very painful kicking down by her feet. Kid had got _strong_. _Real_ strong.

Sugilite probably couldn't keep up with a pummelling like that for long, but it didn't matter. What mattered was _Spinel_.

She was standing on the porch, staring up in undisguised fear, apparently paralyzed. She was tiny, really. A slim little pink figure, barely the size of a human adult. Didn’t look dangerous at all.

As Sugilite’s massive hand stretched towards her, Spinel seemed to shake free enough to fling herself backwards, trying to escape into the house. But she wasn't fast enough.

"Oh no you don't," Sugilite said, picking Spinel by the head. She smiled her most savage smile.

She could crush her now. Not just the body, the gem too. She'd _deserve_ it, for stealing five years of everyone's lives, for playing with them like toys. Everyone would be free. And it would feel _so good_.

Sugilite had never been much of one for self-restraint.

... but she found enough just then to hold back.

She bent down to place Pearl's gemstone on the sand. Predictably, Steven stopped his assault to scramble for her. All hands free, Sugilite was able to wrap the struggling Spinel up in a whip. For good measure, she stuck a finger deep in the sand, and made a roughly person sized hole. She stuck Spinel in there and filled it in. There. Wasn't fancy, but it'd hold for now.

She turned back towards Steven.

The boy—or man now, maybe— was in his bubble, staring up at her in utter fear.

 **Great**. No way to have a conversation like _that_.

Sugilite sighed, and let go over herself. Garnet and Amethyst appeared on the beach, panting.

Steven's eyes widened, just a fraction. He watched them for a moment— and clearly deciding that at least he wasn't at risk of being immediately crushed, let his bubble turn into a shield. He said nothing.

"Dude, chill," said Amethyst. "I know this has gotta look bad, but you don't understand what's going on."

" _You_ don't understand," Steven said, then turned towards Garnet. It had hurt Ruby and Sapphire when he'd looked at them with zero recognition in his eyes, but this pure _detest_ was even worse. "She took control when she poofed you. You're being used, and she'll use Pearl, once she regenerates." He smiled, then, though it was a grim expression. "Can't control me, though, can you? I can't be poofed."

"So that's what Spinel made you think," Garnet sighed. "Well. It's true. I can't poof you."

There were other ways to free Steven. Fusion, for one, though it seemed very unlikely Steven would consent to that just then. Or they could just poof Spinel. That would almost certainly free Steven, and anyone else who'd been manipulated. Definitely the simplest solution.

But as Sugilite had realized, that would leave however-many people with a five year gap in their memories. And if nobody knew what exactly they'd been doing all that time...

... well, it could be bad.

They would have to figure out a different solution.


	3. Chapter 3

Standing on the beach, the daylight fading and Pearl’s poofed gemstone in his pocket, Steven Universe listened as Garnet and Amethyst tried to tell them what they claimed was his ‘real’ life story. That Garnet was his guardian, his teammate, his family. That five years ago she had gone on a solo mission to investigate an abandoned Homeworld laboratory, and accidentally released a Gem who’d been kept in a stasis pod. That Gem had been Spinel, and Garnet had had visions of her powers: the ability to rewrite memories. That she’d Seen her doing terrible things with her abilities, using the Crystal Gems and humans alike, bending them to her will. Spinel had panicked, and fought back, and managed to poof her, throwing Ruby and Sapphire’s gems into stasis.

Amethyst had taken over next, explaining her side of things. How an ordinary day at the Barn had been interrupted when Lapis had apparently gone crazy, acting like they were still enemies, attacking them. How Spinel had been the one egging her on, who had made Lapis force Amethyst to the ground.

Garnet’s next memory was reforming in the laboratory as Ruby and Sapphire. Amethyst’s next memory was reforming in the beach house, in the middle of a fight.

Steven listened, taught, to all of it, not saying a word until they were finished. Once they were done, he paused for a moment, considering.

“That’s BS,” he decided.

Garnet winced, more from the emotions in his voice than the words themselves.

Amethyst just stared. “Dude—”

“The story’s impossible. Spinel can’t be some plant. And there’s no _way_ we have a fusion as a team. Fusion is just— just wrong, on every conceivable level—”

“Dude! We literally live inside the statue of a giant fusion!”

Amethyst gestured wildly at the Temple above them, its two stone faces turned out, keeping a constant vigil on the sea and sky. Steven stared at the statue as if seeing it for the first time.

“That’s not a fusion!” he protested.

“It has eight arms,” said Amethyst.

“I count three.”

“That’s because a bunch of the hands broke off!” she yelled. “And yeah, a couple of them are sorta hidden by the house, but they’re there—”

Garnet tried a different tactic. “The gemstones,” she said. “Look at its gemstones. Pearl’s at the head, Amethyst as the chest, Rose Quartz at the belly, Sapphire and Ruby at the hands—”

Steven put his hands on his hips, partly to reassure himself with the touch of Pearl’s gemstone under his palm. “I don’t see those last three.”

“BECAUSE THE HANDS FELL OFF AND THE HOUSE IS BLOCKING THE STOMACH!” Amethyst screamed.

But it was no use. Steven refused to listen, and so they’d reached something of an emotional stand off.

Garnet and Amethyst wouldn’t leave him, were determined to teach him the truth. But from Steven’s perspective, two complete strangers had come into his house, attacked his family, and were now mind controlling them. The only reason he wasn’t attacking them right now, and trying to free Spinel, was because he knew he was outnumbered and outmatched.

But Amethyst was stubborn, and wouldn’t give up. “Look,” she said, “what if I showed you _proof_ that Garnet’s a Crystal Gem, and has been for a long time?”

“Sure,” said Steven, crossing his arms. “But you’re not going to be able to, because there isn’t any.”

Amethyst smirked. “Sure there is. In my room. Come on.”

Steven looked curious despite himself, but he refused to budge. “I’m not leaving Spinel alone.”

“She’ll be fine under the sand,” said Garnet.

Steven made it clear how little he appreciated the fusion’s reassurance. But he did realize that the only alternative was just standing there all night, and so finally agreed to go with Amethyst and Garnet, if only to ‘keep an eye’ on the fusion.

They made it up to the Temple, which was filled with the smell of burning. They paused briefly to turn off the oven.  (“The casserole is ruined,” Steven lamented, and shot Garnet a venomous look as he silently added one more casualty to her list of crimes).

“We’ll buy you a pizza,” Amethyst said she dragged Steven towards the Temple door. Garnet suspected this was partly to prevent Steven making a break for the Warp Pad, and pulling Lapis and Peridot into this. A battle with them was the last thing any of them needed.

As they approached the door, Amethyst gemstone began to glow with a purple light. Garnet held up her hand to stop her, and said, “Perhaps I should do it.”

Amethyst nodded, her glow fading.  
  
Steven watched with growing unease as the fusion raised both her hands. The gemstones embedded in her palms radiated with light, and the blue and red stones on the Temple door glowed in response. There was a _woosh_ as the burning room came into view.  
  
She could open the Temple. That was impossible. Only Crystal Gems had access! Not even Peridot or Lapis could—  
  
— and neither could Spinel, Steven realized, with a lurch. Spinel had always needed someone to help her get in.

Garnet stepped into the room as if she owned the place, huffing out the faintest sigh of relief. Steven followed her and Amethyst uneasily, noticing the way the fusion paused for a moment, apparently to survey the sea of bubbled gems hanging overhead. Then without a word she set out, and without directions followed one of the many paths which lead towards Amethyst’s room.

Once they’d arrived, Amethyst immediately began digging into a random trash pile. After a moment, she dragged out a huge picture frame.

“TA-DA~!” she declared, presenting a portrait of Rose Quartz, Amethyst, Pearl… and Garnet.

“I… remember this,” said Steven, leaning close. “But… Spinel was the one here, not…?”

“But she wasn’t,” Garnet said.

He glared at her. “You changed it.”

“What? The big bad fusion has scary painting changing powers now?” asked Amethyst.

Steven shook his head. "You planted it. An altered picture to try and trick me."

"That's some planning ya think we have," Amethyst said.

"Not you, Amethyst," Steven corrected, before turning a hardened gaze at Garnet. "You."

"Alright. Ya want something a little more?" Amethyst asked. "I got something for ya."

Amethyst ran off deeper into her room, and Steven had no choice but to follow. She dug real deep into a junk pile— so deep that it threatened to fall down, and Garnet had to hold it up. Finally she came with a huge cardboard box, one covered in dust and some sort of dripping green substance. Steven took it from her before she could open it, carefully lifting up the flaps.

“My… drawings?” said Steven. “You kept this stuff?”

“I keep everything,” said Amethyst. “These are your doodles and stuff from when you were like, six or seven.”

And sure enough, the box was filled with scrawled pictures in all manner of crayons, pencils and markers. There were a lot of pictures of elephants (‘ _Your elephant phase_ ,’ Garnet wanted to say, but didn’t), and flowers, and trees…

… and one picture proudly declaring ‘My Famely’ in distinctive child handwriting, showing five figures, recognisable for all that it was simplistic. Steven had a red shirt with a star; Amethyst was a roundish purple lump with long hair; Pearl essentially a stick figure; Greg wore the biggest smile…

… and there was a figure clearly meant to be Garnet. No mistaking with how tall she was, or her red coloring, or the square hair or the glasses.

“How..?” Steven breathed, and he kept digging deeper. But there was more evidence. Not just drawings, but the occasional photograph, from the old disposable film cameras. And spelling practice, too; not just list of vocabulary words like fruits and animals, but handmade ones for names. ‘Steven’ was there, but also Pearl and ‘Amefist’ (“Oh, yeah, I remember telling you to spell it that way,” Amethyst chuckled. “That was fun.”)

And again, there was Garnet. But no Spinel.

“This can’t be possible.”

“It is,” Garnet said. He looked at her, and her glasses evaporated. She could feel tears misting her eyes. “Steven, I am a Crystal Gem, and I’ve been with you…” she was going to say ‘ _the whole time_ ’, “since you were born.”

Steven felt his lips tremble. His memories were there, he... saw Spinel, through his entire life. She’d there when he had first summoned shield, when he’d first met Connie, on their first mission.

But looking in this box... full of his childhood scribblings... Garnet was here. But no Spinel... not a trace.

"You... Spinel has been..." It all settled over him. His life, the life he thought he'd known…

Was a... lie?

"I can't believe this." Steven shook his head. "We... We need to talk to Spinel. Something… weird is happening."

Amethyst snorted.

It was then that a light began to spill out of his pocket.

"Already?" Steven said, fishing Pearl’s gemstone out.

"Pearl can be fast when the situation calls for it," Garnet commented.

The gemstone floated into the air, a beautiful white silhouette cycling through dozens of forms before a new body materialized. Nobody paid much attention to the outfit as Pearl came down to the floor. "Stars, what happened?" Pearl asked. "Did anyone see what got me?"

"Uhhhh...." said Amethyst, awkwardly.

"Pearl?" said Steven.

Pearl turned, and her eyebrows flew up. She took in Steven’s ‘new’ height; the broad shoulders, the curlier hair, the muscles under his fat, the stubble on his chin.  "More shape-shifting troubles, Steven?"

"Uh... no. I just look like this now."

"Really? My, that was fast. You look very nice though." She smiled, then turned to Garnet. "How long was I out?"

"Complicated question," said Garnet. "You were poofed for approximately an hour. But you've missed a great deal more. We all have."

Pearl took the explanation better than Garnet thought she would. In all honesty, it was always kind of hard predicting what Pearl would and wouldn’t panic about, even with future vision. A gem monster destroyed half the house and winters coming? ‘ _Well, we better get started rebuilding_ ’ The wheatloaf was overcooked and they'd have to order out? _‘Steven’s going to have stunted growth! I read it in a book_!’

Thankfully, though Pearl was fairly calm, all things considered.

"The last thing I remember... I heard Steven calling my name." Pearl said. "But when I got to him, he grabbed me by the wrist and..." She furrowed her brow. "The next thing I remember is regenerating here."

Garnet said. "I don't believe that was Steven who grabbed you, Pearl."

Pearl tilted her head. "Then who was it?"

Amethyst snorted. "The snake buried in the sand right now."

"Pardon?"

"Spinel, dude."

"Okay, can we _stop_ the Spinel dissing, please?" said Steven. "I'm willing to accept that this fusion was around when I was a kid, and something's going on with my memories, but I'm _not_ letting you turn on our friend."

"'This fusion'?" Pearl echoed, shocked at the venom in Steven's voice.

"Fusions are immune to Spinel's abilities," said Garnet. "I believe she implanted Steven with an intense dislike of fusion in general, and of me specifically."

"Not true," said Steven. "I dislike fusion because it hurts people. I dislike _you_ because you attacked my family, and are probably mind controlling them."

"Dude, if Garnet could really mind control people by poofing them, why didn't we just poof Spinel and take control of her?"

"Uh..." said Steven, clearly grasping at some sort of explanation. He and Amethyst began a debate— or more of a flat out argument— as Steven tried to construct increasingly elaborate explanations. He seemed completely unwilling to even consider the possibility that Spinel wasn't completely trustworthy, or that Garnet might have been telling the truth.

Pearl watched with growing concern, then edged closer to Garnet. "You think it's about fusions and _you_ specifically?"

"Yes."

"What about Ruby and Sapphire?"

"I..." Garnet considered. Then she breathed out, and allowed herself to unfuse.

The light caught Steven’s attention. He had almost summoned shield when the glow was gone, revealing Ruby and Sapphire once again.

"Steven," Sapphire said, her voice cool his ear. "We're not trying to mislead you. We only want to help. As we always have."

"Yeah!" Ruby added. "Listen, you... don't like fusion. You don't trust Garnet. Then... can you give _us_ a chance?"

Steven bit his lip. They weren’t fused... and they seemed to _prefer_ to be fused. And if they weren’t going to insist in staying in such a monstrous shape, then… maybe... maybe a bit of trust _was_ needed.

"Alright," he said, rubbing his arms. "Let's say I'm buying into this, at least a little. I want to talk to Spinel. Will you let me do that?"

"Yes," said Sapphire.

"But we can't let her touch anyone," said Ruby.

"Well, I can't just keep her tied up in my whip," said Amethyst. "I'll be honest: it's sort of exhausting keeping it out all the time."

"We can build her a containment cage," said Pearl. "We should still have all the wreckage from the handship, and I'm sure Peridot will help me reassemble it."

That was fair enough. And the mention of Peridot made Steven think of something else. "The others have got to be here for this. We're not making any decisions behind their backs."

"Sensible," Pearl agreed.

"Yeah. Peri, Connie and Lapis have t'know what's going on," said Amethyst.

"And Bismuth, and Jasper, and the rubies," added Steven.

A silence fell.

"What?" said Amethyst.

Sapphire could feel flakes of ice forming at her feet. Surely...

Sapphire could remember Jasper falling into the ocean, beyond any of their reach. Then there had been the tale Steven had told them, about Jasper begging Lapis on the boat... attacking Steven and Connie on their mission...

And the rubies... The same ones from that had come in the ship? That they had tricked into playing baseball against? Most likely. But...

" _Bismuth_..." Pearl said softly. "You... you mean..."

"It's probably a different Bismuth," said Ruby.

Sapphire nodded. Surely. It had to be.

"Yes... I suppose so," Pearl sighed.

Steven stared at them, and kept shaking his head in disbelief as they made their way out of the temple. "You guys really can't remember the last five years?" he asked. "I mean, these are some of our _closest friends_. Pearl, you and Spinel were so overjoyed when I found Bismuth."

"Uh, who's Bismuth?" Amethyst asked, as the door shut behind them.

"Yeah, that's exactly what you said then, too," said Steven, allowing himself a small smile as he remembered. "Bismuth is one of the original Crystal Gems."

Another stunned silence. Pearl, Ruby and Sapphire looked like they'd been hit with lightning.

"You _found_ Bismuth?" Ruby asked. "Our Bismuth?"

Steven nearly protested how Bismuth wasn't _theirs_ , but realized that'd be kind of petty. She got what the Ruby meant. "Yeah. She was in Lion's mane."

"H-how?" said Pearl. "Why?"

"I dunno. Guess Mom found a way to protect her or something." Steven shrugged. "Never really came up. We all agreed the important thing was that she was here now."

Pearl couldn’t help but gawk at him. Bismuth, _the_ Bismuth, the Bismuth that had helped Pearl forge her first sword.

They had found her. And... didn't feel the need to ask more.

"Where is she?" Pearl asked, trying to keep her voice level.

"The lighthouse," Steven answered simply. "She lives there, since there’s not much room at the barn, what with Lapis, Peridot, Jasper, and the rubies living there."

"I... see," Pearl said, in a tone that suggested that she really didn’t.

"Please, Steven," Sapphire said. "We can... discuss this when we're all gathered. Let us get everyone together."

"Okay. Wait up. Before we go any farther," said Amethyst. "So. This Bismuth is a friend, right? But what about the rest? Like, I'm assuming these are the same rubies we played baseball with?"

Steven nodded.

"Okay, that's probably fine, then," said Amethyst. The rubies hadn’t seemed like much of a threat to anyone. "But Jasper? Miss 'Screaming and Punching'? How do we know she's on the level?"

"Because she’s _changed_ , Amethyst," said Steven. "I know you can't remember... but we talked with her. Showed her how great Earth is. She's apologized for all the stuff she did, she and Lapis get along great now." He sighed when he saw all the exchanged glances. "You think Spinel mind controlled her, too?"

"It seems like a possibility," said Pearl.

“More than ‘a possibility’,” Amethyst snorted.

"I am very glad we didn't destroy Spinel's form," said Sapphire. "Releasing their mind control prematurely could have been disastrous."

"Okay, look, you guys can worry and chatter as long as you like," said Steven, stepping onto the warp pad. "But I'm going to tell our _friends_ what's going on. Coming?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that we figured we should put in for clarity's sake: this fic diverges from canon at around "Greg the Babysitter", for anyone who was wondering.

By the time they reached the barn, night had fallen, and the air was filled with the sound of crickets and wind rustling through the corn fields.

It was difficult to see anything in the dim light, but they could make out a hulking shadow against the sky. As Sapphire, Ruby, Pearl and Amethyst’s eyes adjusted, they found that the barn had been even more drastically transformed than any of them could remember. Three extra extensions, a landing pad for the Roaming Eye spaceship, all sorts of weird meep morps out front...

And a barn-full of happy roommates.

And that's what they were. _Happy_. The rubies came first, in an excited gaggle, running around their 'new friends', exclaiming about how nice it was to meet another Ruby. Peridot came after, excitedly offering to show the guests around. Last of the group was Jasper, with Lapis's arm wrapped around her waist, the pair smiling serenely.

Steven acted like all of this was completely normal.

And for him, it was.

For the others, it was extremely weird. And creepy. A wave of uncomfortable squirming swept over Pearl, Amethyst, Ruby, and Sapphire.

The rubies had been a bit... intense during the baseball game. None of that was particularly different, even if they were now just focusing the intensity into friendliness. And Peridot, of course, was usually a frantic ball of hyper energy.  She seemed to be her usual self.

But Lapis and Jasper. They were _holding_ each other. And joking. Jasper was wearing a _knit sweater_.

It was... surreal. And it felt _wrong_.

All four of the Crystal Gems knew what had happened out at sea. Even if Lapis had been reluctant to share, Steven hadn’t been. They knew how Jasper had tracked Lapis, and literally begged her for the chance to fuse again. They knew that Lapis had flatly rejected her, claiming they brought out the worse in each other..

… and now they were acting as if none of that had ever happened.

"Hey, guys," Steven greeted lightly.

"Hi, Steven," Lapis returned, a small smile dancing on her lips.

"Hey," Jasper smirked. She looked over at Ruby and Sapphire. "Great... Exactly what we need. _Another_ Ruby."

Lapis let go of her hold on Jasper to playfully elbow her in the stomach. "Come on. Be nice."

"So where did they find you two?" asked the Ruby who'd introduced herself as 'Doc'.

"Yeah, where?" asked the one who called herself Leggy.

"In suspension," said Ruby, glumly.

"Hey." Steven raised a hand. "You don't get to tell the story. _I_ do."

"Uh, dude, that seems kind of unfair," said Amethyst.

"Yes. You'll introduce unjust bias," said Pearl.

"How about we promise to listen to everyone?" asked Lapis, voice calm and reasonable.

"That's how a good story time works," agreed Navy, smiling brightly, with nods from the rest of the rubies.

"It's more complicated than that," said Steven. "Something _really weird_ is going on. Like, 'mind control' levels of weird."

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment, but none of the barn mates seemed particularly upset by this revelation.

Everyone seemed to take the premise of ‘we’ve had five years of our memories altered’ as some kind of… _joke_. Both sides were explained, and everyone listened, but they seemed to find the premise inherently unbelievable, and dismissed it out of hand.

Those who were free of Spinel’s manipulations found it frustrating— but the person who found it most unbearable was Steven.

“Don’t you _get it?_ ” he yelled. “If I’m right, they’re all being mind controlled right now! And if they’re right, then I’m— then _we’re_ —“

He choked off, unable to finish.

“Easy there, solider,” said Jasper, clapping him on the shoulder. “You’re panicking. That won’t help anyone.”

“You tend to be just a _little bit_ gullible,” said Navy, blinking at him from behind her eyelashes (Amethyst and Ruby snorted at that, but nobody seemed to get the humour.).

But as ludicrous as they found it, the Barn Mates did recognise how serious the others were taking it. Peridot helped Steven calm down enough to call Connie, who agreed to meet them at the Lighthouse in fifteen minutes. There was a jovial, playful tone among most of the group as they warped to the Temple, greeted Connie and strolled up the hill, Jasper cheerfully calling, “Get out here, ya big lump!”

“Who ya calling a lump, ya lump?” Bismuth called back, wiping her hands on her apron as she ambled out the lighthouse door.

That was when Pearl ran at Bismuth and leapt into her arms, sobbing, as if she hadn’t seen her in centuries. The barn mates watched, awestruck, as they started to realize they should be taking the situation a little more seriously.

Bismuth stared blinking between the hysterical Pearl, the uncertain looking crowd, and the teary eyed Sapphire-and-Ruby-duo. “What’s going on?”

“Pearl and Amethyst have amnesia,” said the ruby now named Army.

“You all have amnesia, too,” said Amethyst. “Ya just don’t remember it.”

There was yet another round of catching up, yet another round of uncertain debates. Confusion, and jokes, and assurances that absolutely everything was fine, and surely it would all be explained if they just pulled Spinel out of the sand.

Peridot was the one that realised that wouldn’t help. “Then we’d simply have one more contradictory opinion,” she said. “We need a way of proving one hypothesis over the other.”

“If they’re poofed, they’ll remember,” said Amethyst.

“Or they’ll get mind-controlled by the fusion!” yelled Steven.

“‘The fusion’ isn’t here,” pointed out Sapphire, and he deflated a little.

Bismuth finally disentangled herself from Pearl’s embrace and strode forward. “Question: does the mind control only work if the fusion’s the one doing the poofing?” Steven hesitated a moment, then nodded. “Easy, then. Have someone _else_ poof one of us.”

"Someone else..?" Steven trailed off.

"Yeah. Not the Ruby, not the Sapphire. Stars, if we wanna do this cleanly, not even Pearl or Amethyst," Bismuth said.

"So... I..." Steven felt like he was at a loss of words. This whole thing still felt just a little detached from reality. "What do we do? If we're going to do this... _how_ are we going to do it?"

A beat of silence, before Jasper answered, "Well, first we need to take stock of who can poof one of us. Peridot doesn't have the raw strength and- no offence dear- but Lapis's powers would be a liiittle... messy."

"And drawn out," Lapis added, not looking offended in the least.

Bismuth nodded. "So the Rubies could poof themselves, save for one. After that, me, Jasp, and Steven are left for poofing duty."

"Alright. Rubies! Fall in!" Jasper called. Before she had even finished speaking, the Rubies all arranged themselves into a neat line, standing perfectly straight. "You five need to decide your poofing order. Whoever's left when your done, will be poofed by me. Questions?"

"No Ma'am!"

"Good. Get to it."

The Rubies broke out of their line, debating amongst themselves, though the main topic seemed not to be specific order, but who was going to be last and thus poofed by Jasper.

Steven felt like he had to turn away from this. He knew that it wouldn’t hurt them, not really, but it was still so uncomfortable, seeing his friends and family subject themselves to such pain. And discussing it like it was something so… mundane. And since Steven couldn’t be poofed, that meant he was going to have to poof at least _one_ person. Well, he could get Connie to do it, but that felt even worse somehow.

Steven felt just a little sick to his stomach.

“Now, wait,” said Pearl, “this seems rather… excessive.” She looked nearly as uncomfortable by the whole set-up as Steven felt. “Surely we only need to poof one person to prove this?”

There was an awkward silence. “Good point,” said Connie, at last. “Who’s the fastest at regenerating?”

A red hand went up, belonging to Eyeball. “That’d be me,” she said. “You had to be quick back on your feet during the war.”

“You good with being poofed now?” asked Amethyst.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay then. Let’s make this fast.” Jasper stepped forward, picked the ruby up, and squeezed. There was a pop— and then she was gone.

Jasper regarded the gemstone for a moment, grunted, and placed it on the ground.

Another uncomfortable silence. After a moment, Steven sat down, resigned to waiting. A few people followed his lead. Others just stood there.

“If we have all been manipulated,” Bismuth said, voice low, “then won’t we all need to be poofed eventually? We might just be delaying the inevitable here.”

“Not— necessarily,” said Pearl. “I think that perhaps— or that is to say, it might be possible to build a machine which could counteract the effects of Spinel’s abilities, but not necessitate a complete dissipation of physical form. We’d need to build it for Steven and Connie regardless, but it might be more pleasant for Gems then poofing. And if we calibrated it correctly, it might not even prevent the loss of memories since the manipulations began.”

“Seems convenient,” said Lapis, tone the slightest bit skeptical.

“But correct, I think,” said Peridot. “I would need to run calculations to be sure— but yes, there are ways to negate the effects of a specific gem, long as you have their power signature— which we do, since I needed it to measure Spinel’s corruption—”

Peridot continued to go on for several more minutes, with all sorts of mathematics and scientific terms. It was hard to follow, even for Steven, who was used to Peridot’s rambling explanations. But even if he couldn’t understand the explanation, he was glad for it. It filled the silence and gave Steven something to focus on besides his own nagging doubts and worries.

He was effectively in a no win situation and he knew it. Either the fusion, Garnet, was manipulating Pearl and Amethyst... or Steven, the Rubies, Jasper, Bismuth, Peridot, Lapis, Connie and who _knew_ who else were all being manipulated by Spinel. And they _all_ had been for years.

Steven sighed. Regardless, he was going to find out. They all were.

He felt someone grab his hand. He looked over and saw Connie, sitting down next to him, a small smile on her face.

"Some day, huh?" she asked, her tone light despite everything that was happening.

"Yeah. Some day..." Steven returned, doing his best to return her smile. He lay his head in the crook of her shoulder, and she stroked his arm in return.

A moment of silence passed between them before Connie spoke again, "It'll be alright, Steven. No matter what, we've got each other, right?"

Steven pursed his lips. "Not unless-... I mean, if what Pearl and Amethyst said is true and Spinel has been manipulating us with false memories, then... What we-..." He found it hard to even say. It couldn’t be true. Not Spinel. Never Spinel.

But the idea had started to bloom in his head and now he found it impossible to shake.

Connie pulled out to face him, placing her hand against his cheek, drawing his gaze from his lap to her.

"Whatever happens, we'll be facing it together. All of us. And if there's some rebuilding, then we'll do that. Together."

Steven gulped. He still felt terrible, like a ball of tweaked nerves.

But what Connie said did help. A little, at least.

That was when Eyeball returned. A bright flash, and then—

“Huh? What happened?” Eyeball spun around, her single eye widening when she saw the other rubies. “Did we complete the mission? Status report!”

“The mission?” said (most of) the Rubies, in chorus.

“Tell us your mission,” said Jasper.

Ruby spun, then saluted. She looked… awestruck. “Our mission was to find you, ma’am,” she said. “And I am glad to see we succeeded!”

Everyone was staring.

 _Steven_ was staring. Eyeball thought... she thought she was still on the mission to retrieve Jasper. But—but she’d given up on that _years_ ago. The second time the rubies had arrived at the barn they’d been furious over the Neptune trick, only to be overjoyed to see Jasper was on Earth, after all. Jasper had just joined the team herself— literally only fifteen minutes prior— but she’d been so _good_ at helping explain the situation to the Ruby crew. Between her and Spinel, they’d all been able to show how cruel Homeworld was, and how Earth made a wonderful home, and within half an hour the rubies had all agreed to join the Crystal Gems—

— and looking back on it, it did seem like a pretty sudden shift.

And now, Eyeball had regenerated, and she had no memories, at all, of any of that.

"Right, let's take off and submit our report to Yellow Diamond," Eyeball said. "Ruby, where's the ship?"

Doc stepped forward, a look of confused concern on her face. "Uh, Eyeball?"

Eyeball blinked. "Eyeball?" she asked slowly. "Are you referring to me?"

"Of course!" Leggy came forward next. "That's your name."

Eyeball, however merely pinched the bridge of her nose. "Great. We've been away from Homeworld too long. We're gonna receive level three debriefing when we get back." She looked over her shoulder at Jasper. "Don't worry, Ma'am. I'll put in a good word for you. I may just be a Ruby, but that might get you knocked down to level two." She looked back at her fellow rubies. "Let's head out. Ma'am, you may take control of this mission, if you wish."

"Uh... I... don't want to leave Earth..." said Leggy, raising a hesitant hand.

" _Please_. You're already getting level three, don't push it any further."

"Actually," Jasper said, cutting in. "The ship is on the landing pad… at the barn. Why don't you… try and find it while I…”

"Begin the debriefing procedure on the rubies now!" Peridot interjected.

"Oh. Alright..." Eyeball said, a little unsure. "If you're sure, Ma'am. Though I'm not sure if Homeworld will accept your debrief before _you've_ actually been debriefed."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take. Now get moving.”

Eyeball headed off, her eyes fierce with determination, Jasper following helplessly behind her. Everyone stared after them, at a loss for words.

Amethyst said, “Told ya so.”


	5. Chapter 5

So. It seemed like the fusion might have been telling the truth.

Steven felt numb.

The next few days passed in a blur. Things seemed to happen without Steven really feeling them. He didn’t really eat or sleep, and did his best to keep away from the strange Ruby and Sapphire.

Jasper kept Eyeball busy with increasingly complicated delay tactics until they found out the true story they could tell her. Peridot and Pearl set to work building something to neutralise the supposed effects of Spinel’s powers. The rest of them got to work building a containment cell for her. None of them were mechanics on the same level of the Double P Team, but Bismuth was an excellent builder, and everyone else had had picked up some stuff in the years living at the barn. It only took about a day to get one of the old cells from the hand ship working.

Next, they dug Spinel out of the sand. Or rather, Amethyst and Pearl did. Or rather, _Opal_ did.

Opal was their fusion. And even though they’d reassured him again and again that they were fine with fusion, that it was safe, that it was _fun_ , Steven’s stomach shifted when he watched them disappear and turn into a total stranger. He flinched away when she tried to pat him on the head with one of her four hands. And he squirmed when she pulled Spinel, terrified and shivering, out of the sand.

Spinel was crying when they put her into the cell. Sobbing to begin with, then transforming into that dry, desperate kind of tears people cried there was no energy left. Steven tried to talk to her— they all did— to get the true story out, but she wouldn’t talk.

Maybe she was just scared, Steven thought. Steven would have been scared too, if his entire family turned against him like this.

After three days, Pearl and Peridot finished the ‘cure’. It did not look pleasant. It was pieced together from about twenty-five different kinds of electronics from the barn, looking like a prop from a sci-fi movie.

Which would have been amusing, if that prop wasn’t shaped like a  gun.

It was untested, they said, and they didn’t know if it would work, or what side-effects it would have, so perhaps it would be best to use it on someone physically strong—

“I’m doing it,” Steven insisted, when everyone gathered at the barn for the big test session. He refused to let someone else do something dangerous before him, just because he was half-human. And if his entire life had been rewritten…

… well, he had to know.

Connie was the one who held it against the arm. The one who pulled the trigger.

_Steven was walking the boardwalk, trying to decide how he wanted to spend his day, when he saw... someone on the beach. They were crouched over and her holding their hand up, as if they were trying to block the sun from their eyes. It was warm, but they were shivering. Steven watched for a moment before he hurried over to see if he could help._

_"Are you alright?" he asked._

_There was no response for several seconds, before the person answered shakily, "Yes. I'm fine."_

_"Are you sure? You don't need any help, do you?"_

_The person sat up a little and turned towards Steven. She'd been crying, two fresh trails left by tears streaked down her face. Her lips trembled, as she was clearly trying to speak, but she seemed to emotionally distraught._

_"A-are you a human?" the person asked finally._

_"Yeah, I am," Steven answered. "But why are you asking, unless- Oh! You're a Gem!"_

_The Gem flinched and seemed to try and scuttle away, only to trip up in the sand. Steven hurried over to her, even as she tried to get up in order to run off again._

_"Hey, it's alright," Steven soothed. "I've got a gem too. See?" He lifted his shirt, revealing his sparkling, pink gem._

_The person just stared at it in open amazement. "That... You're a human and... you have a gem..."_

_"Well, it's a little more complicated than that," Steven said, lowering his shirt. "But yeah, basically."_

_The Gem was silent for several moments, before asking, more stable this time, "Are you a Crystal Gem?"_

_"Yep! Me, Amethyst, Pearl, and Garnet! And I guess maybe Peridot too. And Lapis, maybe? Oh, and Connie, for sure!"_

_Again, the Gem fell silent. She was looking down at the sand and tracing patterns into it with her finger. She made a circle, before brushing it away._

_Feeling a little uncomfortable and unsure what to do, Steven asked, "Do you... need help getting up?"_

_The Gem looked at him and Steven held his hand out, prepared to take hers._

_"I... yes. Thank you. I could use some help," the Gem nodded. "Um... what's your name?"_

_"Steven. What about you?"_

_"Spinel."_

_Steven smiled. "Well, Spinel. Welcome to Beach City. Here, I'm going to introduce you the the other Gems. I'm sure they'd want to meet you."_

_She nodded. "Yeah. I want to meet them too."_

_Spinel grabbed a hold of Steven hand and—_

Steven gasped, as what felt like some grand force within his mind knocked him backwards.

He looked down at the faces around him. He was breathing heavily. Connie was the only thing keeping him on his feet.

"It... it worked..."

He could remember Spinel. He could remember years of her living by his side, helping make meals, training with him, playing with him, leading him…

... he could remember sitting on the couch, feeling peacefully bland, as she asked him to tell his whole life story, and he'd told it, detail by detail, not even wanting to stop to eat or pee or sleep. He remembered her _telling_ him she was his friend, and she always had been, and him knowing with certainty that it was true, that he'd do anything for her.

He remembered one childhood, filled with Spinel. But it was like a sheet of plastic, superimposed on top of another set of memories. And he could lift the plastic up, and see—

— Garnet, holding him after he’d skinned his knee, telling him it was going to be okay. Garnet, playing patty-cake with him. Garnet, punching a monster in the face. Garnet, crying as she pressed him into her chest. Garnet's smile, brighter than he'd ever seen it, saying "Make sure you're a _good_ experience"—

Garnet, Garnet, Garnet, _Garnet_.

"R-Ruby, S-Sapphire," he managed, staring at them. Their faces were worried and anxious. He was shaking, shaking, and he'd fallen to the floor, and now they were in his arms, and they were small, they were so _small_. They'd always been small, but before they'd been him-size, and now they _felt_ tiny, he could hold them both in his lap—

— they glowed and suddenly they weren't so tiny anymore. Suddenly, Garnet was the one holding _him_.

"Garnet," he sobbed. He buried his head in her chest. She smelled of hot asphalt, of electricity, of home. "You were _gone_ Garnet, and I didn't even care— I didn't even _notice_ — I'm sorry, I'm sorry—"

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..." Garnet repeated, over and over. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..."

It was a lie of course. It wasn't okay. It was a mess. A terrible, horrible mess and one that was just now starting to be cleaned up.

* * *

Steven didn’t calm down for a long, long time. He just watched as the others had their memories restored as well. It went a lot smoother than he expected, after his own experience. He could tell the others were anxious, after seeing the way he’d reacted, but they needn’t have been. They were only going to learn the truth.

Peridot had barely reacted at all, and Connie had only seemed mildly shell-shocked after her own memory restoration. Jasper had looked like she was going to storm off, before just coming to rest at the edge of the group, refusing to meet anyone in the eyes. Lapis had a similar, though more understated reaction, summoning her wings flying off to the roof of the barn.

Bismuth's had been the quickest. Maybe it was simply the five-thousand year gap meant she had less memories to fill in; maybe because she’d been the quickest to accept what she’d been told. After her memory restoration, she gave Steven a curt nod, and flashed the briefest of smiles at Garnet, before moving out of the way and letting the rubies have their turn.

They too went smoothly. A few of them were confused, Eyeball especially, but for the most part they just went… quiet. Thoughtful.

And soon, it was over. Spinel's work over their minds had been undone. They may not have all been on the same page for everything, but at least for this, they were. And now, they had a new problem to unwind: Spinel.

Opinions were... mixed, to say the least.

'Bubble her' was the opinion of a number of them, including Doc, Connie and Peridot. 'Shatter her' was the more extreme opinion of Bismuth and Jasper. Army wanted her dragged in front of Yellow Diamond for trial.

"But I thought we didn't work for Yellow Diamond anymore?" said Leggy.

"Yeah, cause _she_ told us to," Army snarled. "Don't get me wrong: Earth is a mighty fine planet. But we were made for the Diamonds, and that's still our purpose. We've gotta go back and explain what happened here. Yellow Diamond will find a fitting punishment."

That lead to another round of arguments— the rubies and Bismuth and Amethyst and Pearl and Peridot all yelling at and over each other. Garnet added the occasional comment, but was otherwise silent. Jasper stalked far, far away and refused to say a thing. Lapis stared after her for a moment and said, "Yellow Diamond won't give you justice."

Army looked at her.

"From her perspective, you abandoned your post five years ago. Failed your mission," said Lapis, from her perch at the top of the barn. "Maybe you didn't choose to be rebels, but you are now. Going back to Homeworld would be certain death for all of us."

Everyone sobered. So many truths had been revealed, and not everyone agreed with the beliefs that had been downloaded into their minds— but no one seemed willing to completely betray the people they'd spent so long with.

"No killing her," Steven said, firm. Everyone turned to look at him. "Maybe we’ll have to bubble her. But we have to talk to her, first." He hung his head. "I _want_ to talk to her."

He felt Connie's hand slip into his. That was real, at least. Connie's friendship with him had been real.

... even if, he realized with a sickening lurch, their first date had only happened after Spinel had encouraged them.

"I want to, too," said Lapis, voice equally small.

Steven looked over at her, but Lapis offered nothing else.

"Okay. We talk to her," Bismuth said, voice low, but even. "And then what?"

"That depends on what she says," Garnet answered.

Jasper snorted. "Does it? There’s no way she can justify this."

"We're getting ahead of ourselves again," Pearl quickly said. "For now... Someone _should_ talk to her. Just one person though."

"I will," Steven said immediately.

"No, you won't," Garnet replied. " _I_ will."

"Garnet, we need someone with a more... neutral opinion," Pearl said, careful.

" _Pfft_. Ain't no one got a neutral opinion about Spinel," Amethyst muttered.

"I'm a fusion," Ganet said. "I'm immune to her powers, thus I would be the safest option."

"But she’s locked up. And we have a cure now," Doc said. "We don't have to be worried about her powers anymore, right?"

Jasper shook her head. "No. She's still dangerous. _Too_ dangerous."

"That's why I'm going," Garnet said.

"But, Garnet..."

Connie spoke up, "We could go."

"'We'?" echoed Pearl.

"Steven and me. As Stevonnie." She looked at Steven, pulling at her hair, suddenly anxious. "You— you remember Stevonnie too, right? I know it's been a long time— and we don't have to, if you don't want—"

"No, no," Steven said, quickly. Those memories filled him up like a warm flame-- familiarity, safety, discovery. Being Stevonnie had been something wonderful-- and something Spinel had taken from them. They deserved to face her, that way, as the person she’d tried to erase. "Please, Connie. That's a great idea."

They helped each other to their feet, the Gems backing up to give them some space. It had been slow and a little awkward at first. The fumbling of only recently discovered memories. But... there was a pattern, a tempo, a rhythm. Steven and Connie fell into it, moving with and around each other. A light flared from Steven's gem and a pink glow engulfed the pair and--

They were tall. _Really_ tall. The last memories Stevonnie had, they were practically eye level with Garnet. But now, they towered over her, over all of them.

"Stevonnie?" It was Garnet, her voice easy, but firm.

"Yeah, Garnet. I'm-..." They heard their voice quiver in their throat. It didn’t sound the same as they remembered it. Deeper. But that was all just… superficial. They were back. As _themself_. Truly whole.

"Are you alright?" Pearl asked, her voice just slightly strained with worry.

Stevonnie just smiled at her. "I'm _great_ Pearl. I'm... me again."

It took some time to relearn how to walk. They were so much bigger now, and all in unexpected proportions. This fusion somehow felt... _different_.

 _Because we're different_ , Stevonnie thought, not entirely pleased with the idea.

_We would have changed, anyway._

_But would we have changed THIS way?_

_No. Probably not._

Stevonnie shivered, as they played memories in their head(s). Throughout the years, Steven and Connie had fought— or began to fight. About all kinds of things. School, and training, and living arrangements... but it had never gotten very far. Spinel had always talked with them, and everything had been sorted out. Would they have ever gotten together, or stayed together, if not for her _making_ them?

It was chilling and horrifying and it made Stevonnie feel cold, even as they felt Connie and Steven cling to themselves more tightly.

"Okay," they said. "I'm going."

They'd built Spinel’s containment cell up on the hill by the lighthouse— close enough to keep an eye on, but out of the way enough so that random humans couldn't run into it. Stevonnie warped to the Temple, then slowly made their way down the beach and up the hill, while getting a sense of their new body and practicing the things they wanted to say in their head.

They were glad they wouldn't be alone for this.

Spinel was sitting on the floor of her cell, staring through the yellow light screen at the ocean. She blinked when she saw them.

There was a heavy silence as they sized each other up.

Stevonnie looked at Spinel. Really _looked_ at her, for the first time in either Steven or Connie’s lives, trying to see past the false feelings and memories.

Their first impression was that she looked... small. Granted, most people seemed small to them right now, but regardless, Spinel wasn’t a large Gem at all. About as tall as Lapis, perhaps. Not quite as thin and wiry, but just as petite. Tiny mouth, button nose, big eyes... Age was nothing to a Gem of course, but Spinel _looked_ young, as if she was no older than twenty-something. She was wearing a simple sundress decorated with dainty stars. Her gem was on the back of her hand, and although it was hard to tell through the yellow barrier, it was a striking shade of pink. The rest of her body was pink as well, and she could’ve easily passed for a human at first glance— her complexion was light enough to almost count as peach, and her bright hair might as well have been dyed.

She looked… _pretty_. Sweet. Unassuming. Innocent.

Can’t judge a book by its cover.

"Do you know who I am?" Stevonnie finally asked.

"Stevonnie, right?," asked Spinel, speaking for the first time in days. Her voice sounded raw. "Do you... know who _I_ am?"

"I have memories of you. But I'm not sure if I _know_ you."

Spinel grinned, sharp but sad. "No, I suppose you don't. Not any that you would trust, anyway. But that's why you're here, right? Information. You want me to explain everything."

"Yes. And just so we're clear, your _future_ may depend on what you tell me," Stevonnie said. "So talk. Garnet's already told us where she found you. In that lab, in a stasis cell. Why were you there?"

Spinel's expression darkened. "Because I was their prize. Their lead experiment."

"Experiment?"

"Of course. How else would a Gem be created with powers like mine? You don't really think Homeworld made me by accident, do you?"

Stevonnie's brow knitted. "So why did they make you then?"

"I don't know."

"Spinel, don't-"

"Really. I don't," Spinel said, shaking her head slowly. "They brought in the occasional Gem for me to ‘fix’, but other than that? What their endgame was? I truly don't know."

Stevonnie didn't necessarily believe the claim, but they could believe that it _might_ be true. Amethyst hadn't known her own purpose when she’d been made, after all. "Maybe there wasn't an endgame," said Stevonnie, "beyond guaranteeing the obedience of every single person in the empire. Controlling their minds."

Spinel shrugged.

"That's what you did to us," Stevonnie said.

Spinel didn't deny it.

"Why?" Stevonnie cried. " _Why._ That's what I don't get."

"At first? Survival. Garnet was going to lock me away, so I locked her up first." Spinel's face was a mask as stared out across the ocean. "I didn't have a plan beyond that. I suppose you don't remember now, but when I was first released, I was suffering from slow acting corruption-"

"I remember," said Stevonnie, jaw tightly clenched. "We built a machine which allowed us to restore our true memories, without deleting all the ones you implanted."

"Oh?" Spinel smiled, and it looked genuine, despite the sharp glint of her teeth. "I shouldn't be surprised. Pearl and Peridot are very clever."

They didn't respond to that. "So. Okay. You were corrupted. You needed us to get the cure." Stevonnie could remember that clearly; a fear which had gnawed at the pit Steven's stomach, about what would happen if they hadn't been able to get it out of the containment box it was locked inside,, if his own healing powers wouldn't be enough to keep the disease at bay. How afraid he’d been for his friend’s sanity. He and the others had been driven for weeks by Spinel’s plight, hardly capable of focusing on anything else but helping her, of _saving_ her. "And we _got you_ that cure. Why did you keep _doing_ this?"

"I wasn't going to. Originally, I planned to get off this rock. Figure stuff out on Homeworld maybe," Spinel said. "But it was so nice here. _You_ were all so nice. I didn't want to leave you. Especially since I'd helped you all so much... you would have all forgotten it, if I'd left... And I _did_ help you, didn't I? Didn't I make you happy?"

Stevonnie's heart fluttered. Spinel _had_ made them happy. She'd held the team together, no matter what. She'd always been there, for good advice. A warm hand on a shoulder, a cheerful high five, a playful fist bump. Nothing had felt nicer, after a hard day, than snuggling up with her on the couch.

 _That wasn't real_ , Stevonnie told themself, digging their fingers into their knee.

 _Garnet_ was real. Garnet was real, not Spinel.

"Then why did you keep Ruby and Sapphire from us?" they demanded. "I can get why you wanted to stay, I can even get why you didn't tell us the truth— _but you could have let them out_. You could have made them believe the same lies you'd told us, about how fusion was _terrible_ , about how you were the Bestest Best Person Who Ever lived—"

“Sapphire’s Future Vision made her difficult to persuade.” Spinel’s voice was flat. “And Ruby… well, she _loved_ fusion and Sapphire so much. It was hard to get anything that contradicted that to stick. So I put them in the pod. Together, at least.”

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Stevonnie said.

Spinel jerked backwards, as if hit. “Language!”

“No!” Stevonnie shook their head, reared up. "Fuck you! You _took them from us_! They were one of the most important people in our lives, and you took them away, and you made me HATE HER—"

Spinel hunched over, not looking at them.

"I hate _you_ , Spinel. Part of me wants to love you, and that just makes me hate you even more."

Stevonnie spun around, and walked away, and pretended they couldn't hear Spinel crying.

They didn't even make it down the hill before they fell apart.


	6. Chapter 6

The talk with Spinel left Steven and Connie more frustrated and angry than they had started, and gave none of them any answers with what to do with her. When they reported what had happened, the Gems nearly devolved back into bickering right then and there, except there was so much do to do.

Or, there was for Steven, at least. He realized there wasn’t much he could do for the Gems besides let them talk things out among themselves. But he also had human friends to worry about. So he grabbed the Cure gun, and headed into Beach City proper.

Connie came with him, because even if neither of them felt stable enough to be Stevonnie, they could still lock hands and refuse to let go. And Garnet came along as well, which was good, because Steven felt jittery at the thought of her leaving his sight. Maybe Pearl and Amethyst felt the same, because they tagged along too, though they were both unusually quiet.

They made their way systematically down the boardwalk and beyond. None of them knew how many people Spinel had influenced, but it had to have been a lot, for not a single person to have mentioned Garnet to him in nearly five years. It took the whole day to administer the Cure to every human they could find. And it would take longer to track down those who they _couldn’t_ ; Lars and Sadie were on a romantic getaway, Yellowtail was on one of his fishing trips, and Jenny was at college.

Hopefully it wouldn’t matter very much if they waited a couple days or weeks. Most of the people they Cured hadn’t had their memories affected very much at all, coming away blinking in only minor confusion.

The only person hit with anything near the same levels as the Crystal Gems was Greg. He’d recoiled back, shaking his head and grimacing. Then he’d forced a smile onto his face as he refocused on Garnet.

“You have missed _so many_ tennis games,” he’d said.

Garnet had cracked a smile, and then, to everyone’s surprise, pulled the man into a hug.

By the time they’d covered the entire town, the sun was setting and Steven’s feet ached. None of them spoke as they started their way back to the Temple.

Connie pulled on Steven’s hand. “Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” replied Steven.

“I think… I think I’m gonna head back home.”

“Well yeah,” said Steven. “We’re going right now—”

“I meant,” said Connie, letting go of him, “to my parents.”

“Oh.”

Connie had moved out of her family’s place about a year ago. Sixteen was pretty young, of course, to go and live full time with your boyfriend, but Doug and Priyanka had been nothing but supportive. Steven wasn’t _just_ her boyfriend, after all. He was her partner, in more ways than one. They understood that completely.

None of that had seemed weird at the time. But now...

Steven glanced ahead. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl had stopped, and were pointedly _not_ looking at them. “Go ahead, guys,” Steven said, waving them along. “We— I’ll catch up.”

Pearl and Amethyst exchanged glances, looking as if they wanted to say something, but deciding against it. Garnet simply nodded. Then the three of them turned around, and left Steven and Connie alone.

There was a silence.

“I’m sorry,” Steven said.

“Not your fault,” said Connie. She wasn’t crying, but her face was taut, and her eyes were misty. “It’s just— I haven’t visited them in months, I’ve barely even called them— and the worst part is, they probably don’t even mind—”

Steven nodded, mute. What could he say?

They just stood there for a while, instead.

Steven fumbled around with the Cure, held it out to her. “Do you want to…?”

Connie stared at it, then shook her head. “I’ll have to. But— ugh, and this is selfish of me, but I just want one last night before…”

Steven got it. One last night of normalcy, however fake, before the fireworks started. “We can drop it by tomorrow, okay?”

Connie nodded.

Another one of those silences, those pauses. Steven stared at his girlfriend’s face, still not crying, but just on the verge. He leaned in— then hesitated, stopped. What if she didn’t…?

Connie reached forward and kissed him. Steven kissed her back. Nothing long. Just short, sweet.

They finally broke apart. “I’ll go ask your Dad if I can borrow the car,” Connie said. “See you tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

She left.

And finally, Steven could go home. Home, with all the Gems. For the first time in years. As soon as he arrived, he dropped the Cure on the table, then collapsed onto the couch next to where Amethyst was sprawled. Pearl came to sit down on his other side.

Garnet hesitated a moment, and then joined them.

That hesitation hurt, but Steven couldn’t blame her. Not after some of the stuff he’d said to her in the last few days.

For a while, nobody spoke.

Eventually, Pearl reached forward and grabbed the Cure from off the coffee table. She turned it over and over again in her hands, staring at it with an unnervingly intense expression.

“What’cha thinkin’, P?” asked Amethyst.

“When we used it on Eyeball, it returned all five years of memories,” said Pearl. “I’m wondering if I should use it as well.”

Amethyst sat up like a shot. “And why would you want to do that? Those five years were just a lie.”

“The parts with Spinel were a lie,” said Pearl. “But it’s a lie we lived through. One _Steven_ lived through.”

Steven stared down at his lap.

Garnet was staring at her, though her expression was unreadable. “I’m not sure that’s wise.”

“Y-yeah,” said Steven. “Pearl, I don’t want you putting stuff in your head, just cuz of me.”

(He’d spent all day fighting waves of disorientation when he’d recalled something, only to realise how manufactured it all had been, how little it could be trusted. Reaching out for Spinel’s hand, only to realize it wasn’t there, and he didn’t want it to be. Conflicting waves of anger, guilt, joy and sorrow, all roiling around in his head, threatening to pull him down. He didn’t want anyone else going through that.)

“It wouldn’t just be for you. It’d be for me too.” Pearl raised her head in defiance. “I want to know exactly how she used me.”

Garnet grunted.

Steven stared at nothing.

Amethyst chewed her lip. “Not sure if I want anything about her in my head.”

“I understand. This is my choice, and mine alone,” said Pearl.

Silence settled over all of them.

It was true, of course. It _was_ Pearl's choice. But... that didn't really make the idea any more palatable.

"If anything... unpleasant happens, then you can just poof me again," Pearl reassured. "Then I'll be back to where I am now."

Steven grimaced. It made sense, but... honestly it felt like they had left any semblance of sense behind long ago.

"If you want to do it Pearl, then I'll support you," said Steven slowly.

Amethyst shot him a disbelieving look, but after a moment, her face fell and she sighed. "Yeah. Alright. Guess I can see where ya coming from, P. But I'm not gonna let ya do this alone."

"Amethyst, you don't have to if you don't want to."

Amethyst gave a forced, lopsided grin. "I _don't_ wanna do it. And I don't think you wanna do it either. But we gotta. Or, we really should, anyway."

Pearl smiled, small but genuine. "That's what I love about you, Amethyst. Such eloquence."

"What can I say?" Amethyst laughed. "I know words."

Pearl went first. Steven held the ‘gun’ up to her shoulder, then pulled the trigger. Pearl grunted, eyes closing as she sagged against the couch.

“Pearl?” everyone asked, worried. Even Garnet.

“I’m fine,” she said, not opening her eyes.

“… you're crying,” said Amethyst.

Pearl reached up to her cheek, and feeling the moisture, opened her eyes. “Oh. So I am.”

Another silence. Pearl was shivering. Steven wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“You don’t need to tell us anything,” Garnet said.

“I— I know. But I want to.” Pearl’s fists clenched in and out. “I was in _love_ with her. I— I wrote her poetry. Kissed her. Danced with her.” Pearl laughed, a hollow sound. “Never anything more than that, of course. Never any fusion.”

(Steven remembered that. Remembered Pearl and Spinel always slipping away for private moments. He remembered blushing and ducking his head whenever they’d gone too far. He remembered melting for joy when they’d told him the story of how they’d first met. He remembered shyly going to Spinel for kissing advice.)

(He wanted to vomit.)

“Are you… okay?” Steven asked.

“No.” Pearl leaned back. “But I know the truth now.” She smiled. “And I can remember all those trips into space you and I took with you. So it’s not all bad.”

Steven grinned, despite himself. Going to see Jupiter _had_ been pretty cool.

“Alrighty. Me next,” said Amethyst. “Hit me.”

Amethyst was stoney faced as she glared down at the Cure, or at least as much as she could muster. Her mouth twitched as Steven raised the gun, sne she couldn’t stop herself from flinching when he short her.

Like Pearl, Amethyst grunted in pain as the Cure’s energy struck her, surging through her. Unlike Pearl, Amethyst fell forward, onto the ground, folding in on herself. She pressed herself against the bottom of the couch, eyes screwed tight, as if she didn’t dare open them.

"Amethyst! Are you alright?" Steven asked, dropping the cure onto the coffee table and kneeling down to get closer to her.

Amethyst muttered something indiscernible while slowly shaking her head from side to side.

"Amethyst," Pearl said, a slight edge to her voice. "Are you-"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," Amethyst said raising her head to look at them. "Sorry. Just a lot to take in at once."

"It is," Pearl agreed. "Just... give it a little while to let the memories settle. It'll be easier to sort."

Amethyst was silent for several moments, looking down at her fidgeting hands in her lap. Steven sat back down on the couch close, keeping close to her. Pearl had retreated to the kitchen, "to make a snack for Steven and Amethyst". It was nice of her, but Steven suspected Pearl just wanted to be doing something, _anything_. The clatter of her rummaging around through the fridge and drawers made a reassuring background noise.

And as for Garnet, she still just sat there, silent and stoic. More an observer than an actual participant.

More time passed, and finally, Amethyst spoke.

"She made me think she found me at the Kindergarten." Amethyst raised her gaze again towards the rest of them. "Like, not just inserting herself and erasing Garnet, but also erasing Rose and Pearl." She closed her eyes, grimacing at the thought. "Wasn't enough for her to just be there. She had to be the _center_ figure too."

"Yes, she did similar things to me," Pearl said. "There was this one mission during the Rebellion. It... didn't go well and I had to be extracted by Garnet and Bismuth. But what Spinel made me remember was that _she_ rescued me."

"Why would she do that?" Steven asked. "Not just insert herself, not just erase Garnet, but alter events to make herself… I don’t know, more important. Why?"

"Dude, she messed with our memories for five years. I think that answers it all," Amethyst answered dully.

"Maybe," Steven conceded. "But still..."

There was no more talking as Pearl prepared the food. She brought it out in short order— nothing fancy, just crackers topped with cheese and...

"Jam," said Garnet.

"Sorta," said Steven, taking one. "It's chutney. Like a spicy jam, from India."

Garnet regarded the food for a moment, then took a cracker. It crunched loud between her teeth. That was sorta surprising. Garnet didn't eat, did she? Or maybe she did... just not often.

(Amethyst was lying on the couch, pointedly not eating. At all.)

Steven didn’t really feel like eating himself, but then, he hadn’t for days now. Unlike Amethyst, he needed food. So he made himself gulp the cracker down, barely tasting it.

"It's Connie's favourite," Steven said, to fill the void.

"We've got a lot of her faves," said Amethyst. "She lives here now."

"I see," said Garnet, adjusting her glasses.

Steven hoped Connie would be okay at her parent’s house. Basically all of her stuff was here now. Her clothes, her toiletries, her school books… But surely there was still some stuff left at the Maheswarans’, right? And Connie would call if she needed something. He didn’t need to worry.

Connie could handle sleeping on her own for one night. And Steven could too, he told himself.

But for tonight it was just the four of them.

 _Just like old times_ , Steven thought, before reminding himself. Yes, this was old times for him, for Pearl, for Amethyst. But for Garnet this was completely new. So much time and so much as happened and she'd missed it all.

And the way she just sat there after finishing her single cracker, not saying a word or even making a move.

_She still looks exactly the same as she did five years ago. Pearl's gone through two regenerations and Amethyst has had dozens. But Garnet... it's a little unnerving._

Steven was quick to shake that thought away. It wasn't _Garnet_ that was unnerving, not really. It was discovering the hole she'd left in their lives when they hadn’t even realized it. And as for Garnet herself... well, Steven couldn't really blame her for being distant.

"So, Garnet," he began, not completely sure where he was going to take this. "Um, five years is a long time, huh?"

Garnet said nothing, though Steven noticed her leg jostling up and down.

"So, you know," Steven pushed forward. "If there's anything you want to ask... about what's happened, or whatever... We'll answer."

Garnet said nothing.

Steven bit his lip. "Really. I know this must be a lot to really process, so honestly. Any question about the time you've missed or _any_ question-"

"I don't need any questions answered!" Garnet snapped, with uncharacteristic sharpness.

Steven just looked at her.

Garnet ducked her head, her visor vanishing. "Sorry," she said. "I don't want to have questions. I shouldn't _have_ to. I should have _been here_."

"Garnet," said Pearl, "it's not your—"

Garnet's gaze snapped at her, and she fell silent.

"I know it's not. I know who takes the blame. But I should have done something different, to have avoided all this."

Everyone went quiet. There were things they could have said, about future vision and missions and about how things couldn't always turn out right, but they all sensed Garnet didn't want to hear them.

"Five years isn't a long time," Garnet said, at length. "For Gems. Normally. But you move so _fast_ Steven, and you make everything around you move fast. You've done so much and I wasn't there for any of it. I... missed you growing up. Becoming the person you are..." Garnet looked up, all three of her eyes misty. "The thing Rose told me she would regret the most not seeing... and I missed it..."

Garnet put her face in her hands.

Steven hesitated, unsure what to do for a moment. He thought about Garnet, of the memories he had with her. Garnet had always been there for him, whenever he had a problem or _anything_ he needed help with, ready to give whatever support she could, even if she had barely understood the issue. Steven wanted to tell her that now he would be there for her in return.

But he was unsure how to...

Without a word, Steven rose from his seat, walked over to Garnet and wrapped her into a tight hug. He didn't say anything, and when Garnet seemed to perk from this unexpected contact, he just hugged tighter.

Pearl and Amethyst quickly joined him, as they surrounded her, each holding her as tightly as they could.

And for several minutes in the Beach House they were just a pile of hugs, quietly sobbing, all clinging to each other for support.

"I love you... _All_ of you..." Garnet whispered, her voice unusually unsteady. "I love you..."

They ended up just staying on the couch, sometimes talking, sometimes not. Slowly, Steven kind of drooped out of the embrace, sprawling out on the couch so his legs hung off the end, and his head lying in Garnet's lap. At first, she felt stiff and hard, like concrete, but gradually her body got softer and softer.

She was doing that on purpose. Amethyst was always soft, and Pearl was always stiff like porcelain, and Spinel had always _felt_ comfortable... but Garnet would shift her body to make herself softer for him. Like a pillow.

Steven let his eyes droop closed. Just a couple minutes.

At some point, he was vaguely aware of movement, of Garnet picking him up. He mumbled something— a complaint about how he wasn't a kid— but he didn't mind. Not really. Garnet tucked him into his bed, and Steven slept soundly for the first time in days.


	7. Chapter 7

“Alright, alright, alright,” Peridot cried out over the cacophony of the barn. “I have prepared a chart so that we can classify all opinions orderly and calmly. Please voice them one at a time so that I can easily record them—”

“ _Triassic Range_!” shouted Doc.

“ _Puella Madoka Magica_!” cried Navy.

“ _Fifteen Things I Like About You_!” yelled Army.

“ _Crying Breakfast Friends?_ ” suggested Leggy.

“ _Rescuing Soldier Sarah_!” Eyeball barked.

There was a scribbiling sound as Peridot quickly jotted all the choices  down on a metallic clipboard floating in the air in front of her. “No no no,” she said, shaking her head as she read it over, “those are five completely different suggestions. We need a tiebreaker to give the final decision.” She paused, considering, and said hopefully, “Jasper?”

Jasper’s head jerked up.

It wasn’t that she hadn’t been paying attention. It was just that…

… well. If she was being honest with herself, she hadn’t been paying attention. She found the squabbling of the rubies difficult enough to follow at the best of times.

This was not the best of times.

But nonetheless, everyone was staring at her, waiting for an answer. From Peridot, not quite able to hide the nervousness on her face, to Leggy, with good-natured anticipation, to Eyeball, who was wearing the same scowl on her face for days now.

Jasper stood a little straighter under their scrutiny. She was a Quartz. She was the highest ranking Gem there. Time to act like it.

She thought the movie selections over, chose one at random, opened her mouth—

— and was cut off by a knocking at the barn door.

“Yo!” Amethyst’s voice came from the other side. “Can we come in?”

There was a beat of silence. “Come right inside,” Doc cried, after a moment.

“Amethyst!” Peridot exclaimed. “And Pearl too! Yes, yes, come right in, we’re still deciding—”

“Deciding what?” asked Pearl.

Her expression was taut with worry, though that worry faded into confusion as she and Amethyst took in the scene in front of them. The gaggle of gems all sprawled in front of the TV, either on pillows, blankets or the floor, a couple of the rubies sharing a huge bowl of popcorn, Army nibbling absently on a length of rope. Peridot paced near the front of the group, her clipboard floating around her head as she shuffled the DVD boxes in her hands.

“... are you doing a _movie night?_ ” Amethyst asked.

“Of course!” said Peridot. “It is Friday! We have a recreational group fiction viewing session every Friday evening!”

“Well, yeah,” said Amethyst. “But you’re doing it _now_?”

“It _is_ the best time,” Doc said. “Since it is one of the two evenings every week when Connie does have not have educational duties the next day.”

“Yeah—” Amethyst began.

“Where is Connie?” asked Leggy, waving her hand.

Pearl’s voice was clipped. “She’s busy.”

“Oh, that’s a shame,” said Navy.

“How about Steven?” asked Army.

“Sleeping,” said Amethyst, equally short.

There were a few murmured comments about that, and then an uncertain silence. Peridot was the one who broke it by asked, “And Garnet. Will she be joining us?”

Pearl and Amethyst exchanged glances.

“She’s busy too,” Pearl finally said.

A few comments around the room, a few whispered comments. Jasper fought to keep her face blank.

“Well, another time perhaps!” said Peridot. She then continued with slightly manic cheerfulness, “Anyway, we have a shortlist of five films, and we would appreciate your input—”

The film discussion started back up— although ‘discussion’ was too generous a term. Jasper only half-listened. She had heard such squabbles repeated literally hundreds of times. It was practically an ingrained part of the movie watching ritual. She could predict almost exactly how it would go. Amethyst and Eyeball would inevitably want something filled with battles and actions scenes. Leggy would quietly protest that she wanted something nicer. Peridot would inevitably suggest yet another Camp Pining Hearts rerun, or else one of her human ‘soap operas’ filled with trivial dramas, eliciting groans from all around. Pearl would complain about how they should watch something “at least _somewhat_ intelligent”. and Doc would usually side with her, in an attempt to bolster her own ego in that area—

Left to their own devices, they’d never come to a decisions. Thankfully, someone would almost always intervene before things got out of hand. Steven had a knack for finding the perfect compromise. Lapis could shut down fights with a word. And Spinel could just—

“ _Triassic Range_ ,” Jasper announced.

Everyone turned to stare at her.

“Triassic Range,” Jasper repeated, a little quieter this time, but just as firm. She crossed her arms and fixed the room with a glare. “That’s what we’re watching.”

Nobody seemed inclined to argue.

Nobody seemed inclined to say _anything_.

“Excellent suggestion!” Peridot finally said with a clap. She shot Jasper a thankful smile. Jasper couldn’t quite manage to return it, and after a moment, Peridot bustled away to put the movie on.

Amethyst and Pearl moved in to make themselves comfortable on the furniture, pillows or blankets. Jasper did not join them. She stayed standing in her dark corner near the back of the barn.

She didn’t care about mindless human entertainment. She cared about Lapis.

Where was she? Was she okay? She’d just flown away, hadn’t even _looked_ at Jasper—

Jasper wanted to leave, right now. Wanted to track Lapis down, wherever she was. Wanted to take her into her arms, stroke her back. Wanted to sob into her shoulder, however weak and pitiful it might be. Wanted to apologize. Wanted to beg for forgiveness. Wanted to take Lapis by the hand; wanted to pull her forward, spin her around; wanted to feel Malachite rise up, wanted to soar up and up, wanted to _feel_ every drop of water in the ocean below—

— no. No no no **no**. She did not want Malachite. She didn’t want that pain, salty and choking—

Jasper clenched her fist and shook her head. As if from a long way away, she could hear the _Triassic Range_ theme-song playing. She tried to focus on that.

But it was hard. And she hated to be just _standing_ here. Quartzes weren’t meant to just stand around. They were supposed to be doing things— scouting, training, fighting—

The barn felt so cramped. The walls were too close, the ceiling too low. And Jasper itched. Physically itched. It was this— this ridiculous human garment, how could she have ever bore wearing it?

Jasper practically ripped it off.

Most of the Gems were too enraptured by the movie, but a couple of heads turned towards the movement. One of them was Amethyst. Jasper saw her mouth press into a thin line before looking away.

Amethyst had been the one who’d given her that sweater. “ _For you, sis_ ,” Amethyst had said, and Jasper had thanked her and said that she loved it.

Jasper looked down at her chest.

That was a mistake too. Staring up at her was a bright pink star. The symbol of the Crystal Gems.

Everywhere that she looked on this blasted planet, there was something that reminded her what had happened.

“We’re out of popcorn,” Leggy complained, holding up an empty bowl.

Jasper glanced up, grateful for the distraction. The opening credits had just barely finished.

“That’s what you get for eating it all before the movie starts,” Navy chided.

“Pearl, get us some popcorn,” Army ordered.

The movie kept playing, but otherwise, there was silence.

When Pearl spoke, her voice was very quiet. “And why should I do that?”

“Well—” said Army, clearly taken off guard, “because—”

“Because you’re a Pearl,” Eyeball ground out. “It’s your job.”

 _And that **is** her job, isn’t it? _ Jasper thought. _The Ruby is correct_.

But then Pearl stood, eyes flashing, and Jasper was reminded of just how unlike any other Pearl this one was. “I will not just go and _fetch you_ some popcorn. Do it yourself.”

“You’d do it for Steven,” said Navy.

Pearl’s cheeks turned blue, and her expression grew even angrier. “Steven’s different.”

“Why?” demanded Eyeball. “Because he’s your owner?”

“ _Nobody_ is my owner,” Pearl said, rearing tall, spear appearing in her hand. “I am a free Gem.”

Eyeball rolled her single eye. “Oh, yeah. _So_ free. That’s why you let Spinel pull you around for five years—”

“Eyeball,” Leggy said, anxiously pulling at her, “stop—”

“That’s **not my name**!” the Ruby cried, and she spun back on the Pearl. “You’ve been deluded, just like the rest of us, and it’s time for you to come back to reality and remember your place—”

“Hey, _step off_ ,” said Amethyst, putting herself between the Ruby and the Pearl.

“Yes!” Peridot said, voice nervous and placating. “Let us all just ‘take a deep breath’, as the humans say, and calm down. This simply appears to just be a misunderstanding. We do not even require popcorn anyway! We should all sit back down and enjoy the movie—”

“I have been a free Gem for over five thousand years, and if anyone should know their place, it’s you!” Pearl cried, jabbing her spear.

Jasper watched as if from a great distance, feeling like she should do something, but unsure what.

“My place is on _Homeworld_!” the Ruby roared, “but I can’t go there, CAN I?!”

Everyone stared. No one moved.

Finally, the Ruby pushed passed Pearl, the heat flowing off her in waves.

“Where are you going?” Peridot cried.

“To our ship,” the Ruby growled as she threw open the barn doors.

“Wait— Eye— I mean, Ruby, we’ve been over this, we can’t return to Homeworld!” Doc cried, getting up and running after her. The Ruby just grunted in response.

The other Rubies all exchanged glances, and one by one, they got up and followed their teammates. Leggy gave the empty popcorn bowl one last sad look and went with them.

“WAIT!” Peridot cried after them. “THE MOVIE IS STILL NOT FINISHED! WE HAVE NEARLY A FULL HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES OF CONTENT LEFT!”

A couple of the Rubies paused to give her sympathetic glances, but did not return. Pearl closed her eyes, and made the spear in her hands dissipate. Peridot stood in the middle of the barn, clutching at her clipboard while _Triassic Range_ played on in the background.

Amethyst put a hand on her shoulder, and gently pulled the clipboard away. “C’mon, Peri,” she said. “It’s over.”

Jasper pushed away from the wall, and left too. She couldn’t bear any more of this. It was dark outside, but the moon was nearly full, so there was almost enough light to see by. It dimmed the stars above, which Jasper approved of. It was taking all her self-control not to automatically search out the flicker of light that was Homeworld's galaxy.

She exited the barn, went past the smaller-than-average-lake, navigated through the field of meep-morps, spared the roaming eye only a passing glance. She kept walking, leaving it all behind her. She only came to a stop when she reached the cliff overlooking the water below.

This planet’s ocean really could be quite beautiful, Jasper reflected.

She heard the softest of footsteps behind her. She stiffened, but did not turn, even when the Pearl stepped up besides her.

No. _Pearl_. She wasn't just _a_ Pearl.

And Pearl liked to talk. So it wasn't surprising when she said, softly, "How're you doing?"

Jasper was silent for a moment. It would be easy to say 'fine', even if that clearly wasn't true. But... a part of Jasper wanted to talk. And honestly, talking to Pearl would probably be easiest. Despite appearances, she was a fellow soldier.

So she answered, "Same as everyone, I guess. Trying to sort through the mess in my head right now."

Pearl nodded slowly. "Yes, I... I understand. I'm doing a bit of that myself."

"Same as everyone," Jasper repeated.

"Yes..." Pearl trailed off, before continuing, "Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?"

_Hmm, yeah. How about the six months I spent trapping/being trapped by my partner in an unwanted fusion. Or the time I punched Steven unconscious because I thought he was Rose Quartz. Or how I wanted to shatter Amethyst for being defective. Or how I just spent three hours convincing all the rubies not to go back to Homeworld, even though right there’s a part of me that wants nothing more..._

"Not really," said Jasper.

Pearl shifted, and opened her mouth, then closed it. Jasper figured she could guess what she was trying to say. Pearl could be hopelessly predictable.

"I'm not gonna betray the Crystal Gems," said Jasper.

"Oh." Pearl's voice was small. "Good."

"I guess."

Because, like it or not, the Crystal Gems _were_ her team now. Like it or not, the spawn of Rose Quartz was her comrade. Like it or not, she'd thrown her lot in with traitors and defects and weirdos. Like it or not, she'd fallen in love with this mess of a planet.

"There is something I need to know, though," Jasper said.

Pearl nodded.

"The corruption. I was told that the Diamonds did that to the Gems on this planet. Loyal Gems. Was that true, or a..."

"True," said Pearl.

Alright. Jasper didn't figure Spinel had made up the things the half-corrupted Nephrites had told her, but she wanted to be sure.

So yeah. Definitely not going back to Homeworld. Not if that was what they did to loyal soldiers.

" _Heh_.” Jasper’s laugh was nothing more than a bark. “I can imagine this must strange for you. You fought against me, both fused and unfused, and now here I am. Your 'trusted' ally."

"Not as strange as you might think," Pearl answered. "Many times during the war, I fought Gems on the battlefield only to later run into them in the barracks or during training." She glanced over Jasper’s shoulder, at the sky. "That was one of the reasons we always refrained from cracking or shattering gems. An enemy today could be an ally tomorrow."

"Smart strategy," Jasper said. "I can imagine defection was common during Rose's Rebellion. Seeing the chance at another life is very... tempting."

"Yes. It certainly is."

A beat of silence, and then Jasper quietly laughed. "Sorry. I'm rambling."

"No, it's alright. You can speak your mind, however you wish."

More silence, thick and heavy.

"I don't suppose you know where Lapis is, do you?" Jasper finally asked.

"No, sorry. With her wings, she could be anywhere. Even off planet."

"Great," Jasper sighed, glancing again at the sky.

"Need to talk to her?"

Jasper wasn’t sure how to answer. So she didn’t.

"I could ask Garnet if she knows."

"What would the fusion know about where..." Jasper trailed off. "Ah. Half a Sapphire. I suppose she can see the future?"

"In a sense. It's not infallible, though."

"Good to know," Jasper said. Explained how someone with precognition could have allowed this mess to happen in this first place.

She wasn't sure how she felt about having a fusion on the team, but she could tell that there wouldn't be any budging on the point. But that wasn't the only reason she wouldn't go rushing to anyone, Garnet or not, for help in tracking down Lapis. That was something she'd have to do herself. She sighed. "She must hate me."

"I'm sure that's not tru—" Pearl began, but then stopped.

Jasper snorted. "My point."

Another silence. Jasper hated silences. Big empty spaces where nothing happened. She wanted to be doing things.

So she found herself talking again, if only to fill the silence. "For what it's worth, I found the fusion’s prowess in battle to be rather... inspiring. Though... considering where that led, she'd probably not take that as a compliment."

"Maybe," Pearl said. "It can be a little hard to try and predict Garnet's reactions. I've known her for over five thousand years and even I have trouble at times."

"Well, it's good to know it's not just me."

More silence. Jasper was beginning to wish Pearl would leave if she wasn't even going to try and fill the void.

And as if she'd heard Jasper's thoughts, Pearl said something that Jasper wished she hadn't:

"If you're uncomfortable at the barn, you could always move elsewhere." Jasper looked over at her, as Pearl continued, "I'm sure Bismuth wouldn't mind a lighthouse mate."

"What makes you think I'm uncomfortable at the barn?" Jasper asked.

"Well..." Pearl suddenly sounded a little unsure of herself. "That's why you're here, isn’t it? With your proper memories restored, some... relationships are a bit more... complicated."

Jasper rested a heavy gaze on her. "Stop dancing around it. If you're going to say it, say it."

Pearl paused before sighing. "A lot of this is about Lapis, isn't it?"

"No. It's about pumpkin," said Jasper. Pearl raised her eyebrows. "Of course it's about Lapis!

"Last thing I did to her— last thing _I_ did, as myself, in complete control of my actions— was stalk her across the ocean, insult her, and try to coerce her into fusion. She flat out told me that she hated me and that we were bad for each other."

Pearl winced.

"Do you _know_ what I was doing in the beta Kindergarten?” Jasper demanded. “Before Spinel came and _made_ me join you guys?”

"You were capturing monsters," said Pearl. After things had been ‘sorted’, Pearl had joked about how convenient it was, putting all the monsters in one place for them to bubble.

"Building an army," said Jasper. "My plan was to use them to capture 'Rose Quartz', and impress Lapis Lazuli so much she'd want to fuse with me again."

"Ah." Another quiet, thoughtful moment. "Do you still... want to fuse with Lapis?"

"NO!" Jasper roared, then pulled herself back. "No. Of _course_ not. I wouldn't subject her to fusion with _anyone_ , especially me."

Pearl wrung her hands. "That's... Jasper, both the Homeworld perspective on fusion, and the one Spinel gave us, are  inaccurate. Fusion can be a very rewarding and pleasant experience—"

"Forgive me if I find that hard to believe."

Pearl’s mouth twisted for a moment, then settled into something more neutral. She said, "Fusion aside, do you still want to _talk_ to Lapis?"

Jasper thought for a moment. "I'm sure she doesn't want to see me."

"That's not what I asked," Pearl countered. "I asked, do _you_ want to talk to her?"

"If I could...? Yes... I do. I... She probably detests me, as she probably should, but..." Jasper trailed off.

“Then why don't you?" Pearl asked. "We can ask Garnet to help us track her down. For all you know, she might want to talk to you anyway."

"If she wanted to, why'd she fly away?"

Pearl shook her head. "Why did you retreat to the back of the barn?"

Jasper snorted. "Alright. Fair enough."

Pearl folded her arms in front of her. "We need to, in whatever way we can, start to overcome and undo all the... influence Spinel has left behind. That means mending relationships. And, in some cases, starting them over."

Jasper was silent for several moments, until slowly she asked, "And you think Lapis would talk to me?"

"You won't know until you try."

"...Fine. I'll do it." Jasper covered her face. "I wouldn't even know what to say."

Pearl tilted her head, thinking. "I have a suggestion."

"Shoot."

"Why don't you... write a letter?"

Jasper blinked.

"I know it's hard understanding what we feel right now," said Pearl. "I can barely tell, half the time, myself. But if you write it down... well, you can avoid saying you don't really mean. And... you wouldn't have to face Lapis in person. Not yet. I could deliver the letter. Or someone else could, if you'd prefer—"

"That is," Jasper said, slowly, "a... very good idea, Pearl."

"I'm known to have them occasionally."

“Yes,” Jasper said slowly, giving the Pearl a proper measure. “Yes, you are.”


	8. Chapter 8

Once Steven was asleep, Garnet found herself at something of a loss.

She, Amethyst and Pearl had retreated into the Temple for some time, in order to provide Steven with the quiet he required. Underneath the bubbles of hundreds of corrupted Gems, they had the chance to begin filling Garnet in on the things she’d missed.

Even that conversation had petered out rather quickly.

Eventually Pearl and Amethyst had decided to return to the barn, to see how things were holding up there. They invited Garnet to join, but she’d declined. Her Future Vision had been of limited use— there were still so many new elements for her to incorporate— but she’d suspected that her presence would simply hurt matters.

Besides. The people are the barn were not, for the most part, her team. She didn’t have a place among them. Not yet, at least.

But Garnet did have a friend of her own to visit.

Shortly after Amethyst and Pearl had warped away, Garnet too returned to the beach house. She checked briefly on Steven. Once satisfied that he was still sleeping soundly, she slipped silently out, and made her way towards the lighthouse.

She hesitated when she reached the door to the structure. After a moment, she opened it and called, “Bismuth!”

"Down here!" a warm, familiar voice called, and Garnet made her way down the spiral staircase to the basement. It was a small space, but warmly decorated with posters and art and metal working. There was TV set and an old mattress covered with blankets, where Bismuth was sitting. It all looked very... human.

"Cozy," said Garnet.

"I like it," Bismuth agreed,standing up. Then she strode across the room, put her hands on Garnet's shoulders, and pulled her into a hug. Garnet embraced her back.

"Sorry I didn't really greet you before," Bismuth said.

"You didn't know who I— we were," said Garnet.

"After that. After I remembered." Bismuth pulled out. "I had a lot to think about."

"I understand," said Garnet.

Bismuth offered Garnet a seat on the mattress, which Garnet accepted.

"So, what brings you by?" Bismuth asked, a touch awkwardly.

"To see you, of course," Garnet replied. "Like you said, we haven't really had a chance to just... talk, since you got your memories back. Though... hm."

Bismuth looked exactly as she always had. Her hair, her apron, her smile— things Garnet had long thought she’d never see again.

"What is it?" Bismuth asked, clasping Garnet on the back. "Come on, Power Couple. You can tell me."

Garnet smiled at the old, affectionate nickname. "It's just... For the longest time we thought you were... well, gone. And then I get out of stasis and- well, I wouldn't say you were the _biggest_ surprise, but you were close."

Bismuth laughed. "Ha! What can I say? It takes a lot to bring me down."

Garnet chuckled along. "Yes, that's true. Like the time you and I were raiding that Spire."

A large grin spread across Bismuth's face. "Ah, yeah. I'll never forget that. The way you terrified that topaz."

"While you covered me from enemy fire. Literally covered me."

" _Heh_ , I take my job seriously."

Behind her glasses, Garnet felt her eyes burn with tears. She let those visors fall away so that Bismuth could see them too.

"Aw, come on. None of that," said Bismuth. "I already got that from Pearl. _Twice_ , courtesy of memory loss."

"Don't I get a turn?" Garnet said, a little strangled.

"I saw Ruby and Sapphire crying, even if I didn't 'ppreciate it," Bismuth pointed out.

Garnet raised her head high. "Well, it's _Garnet's_ turn for a sappy reunion, not theirs."

Bismuth laughed.

"Seriously, though. Bismuth. I can hardly believe you're here. Steven said he found you in Lion's mane, but..."

"That part was true enough," Bismuth said, and now the humor was gone from her face. Garnet's brow furrowed with an unspoken question. "Rose put me there."

"But she told us you went missing."

"She lied." Now Bismuth laughed again, a sound like sandpaper. "Or I guess she didn't, technically. I _did_ go missing. She was just the one behind it."

Garnet felt something dangerous sneaking up behind her. She clenched her fist, resisting the urge to form gauntlets, and made herself ask a question. " _Why_?"

"We had a fight."

That wasn't enough, and Bismuth knew it. Garnet gave her a moment to continue.

"I made a weapon. The Breaking Point. It's at the Forge, if you want to see it. And you should. It's a real beaut. Cuts though gemstones like a knife through butter." Garnet felt very cold and very hot at the same time, which was never a good sign. "I thought we could use it to win the war. Rose Quartz disagreed. Violently."

Garnet shifted a little in her seat. Disagreeing with Rose wasn't unheard of. Garnet herself had done so multiple times during the Rebellion. But an agreement could always be reached, a compromise, an understanding.

But the disagreement to turn violent? That was... new.

As was the thought of Bismuth advocating shattering other Gems. She'd always been a bit unapologetic, but that seemed extreme, even by Bismuth's standards.

Garnet supposed she had to ask the obvious question.

"Do you still want to use this 'Breaking Point'?"

"I don't know _what_ I want."

Garnet winced.

"I do think this: we were always too soft on our enemies. There are some Gems that just won't change, no matter what we tell em. Some Gems who if we keep alive, will just do everything in their power to hurt those under them."

Garnet didn't necessarily disagree, but... "You can't know which is which."

Bismuth snorted. "For some Gems, you'll know."

"So you _do_ want to use it."

Bismuth stood, glaring. "You got a problem with that?"

Garnet didn't flinch. "Depends on how're you're gonna use it."

"Well," Bismuth said flatly. "I'll admit. I _do_ have a certain Gem in mind. I never actually used the Breaking Point on a Gem proper. She could be the test run."

"You're not doing that," Garnet returned tensely. "We haven't decided what to do with Spinel yet."

"Then let me fix that."

Garnet stood up, doing her best to try and look calm and composed. "We'll decide as a group. For now... I think you should give me the Breaking Point."

Bismuth stared at her, long and hard, and Garnet  something was about to happen that they would both regret.

Then Bismuth sagged. "Do you really think it's wrong? Shattering Gems?"

"I think," said Garnet, quietly, "that we have to be careful. That a choice like that can't be taken back. And that it can be hard to predict the repercussions."

(If only Rose had known, what shattering Pink Diamond would do. Would she have made the same choice? Garnet wasn't sure if Rose had ever been able to figure that out herself.)

Bismuth watched her.

"Fine," she said. "I'll give you the Breaking Point. For now. But a couple others things, first."

Garnet nodded at her to continue.

"We'll talk about this? With everyone? Let them know exactly what happened to me? What Rose did."

Another nod.

No more secrets. Complete honesty, from here-on-out.

"Okay. Good." Bismuth hesitated. "Now... tell me about Steven."

Garnet cocked her head. "You’ve lived with him for years. Surely there's nothing for me for me to tell."

"Not so sure about that," said Bismuth.

Ah. "You... you think he's Rose Quartz."

"What I _think_ is we just spent five years being played with by a mind manipulator, and nobody knows which way is up. Don't know why Spinel would decide to make a Gem think they were a human kid, but I don't know why she decided to do _any_ of the shit she did, so."  Bismuth ran a hand through her dreads. "You're the only one here with a clear head. Tell me. What's the truth? How’s any of this possible? And if Rose really did... pass her gem along, _why_ did she do it?"

Garnet couldn't help but chuckle a little at the question. "Because Rose wanted to."

"And that's it?"

"You know, as well as I do Bismuth, that Rose did what she wanted."

"Yeah, but usually she gave _some_ kind of reason why," Bismuth crossed her arms over her chest. "She really didn't say?"

“Not... in so many ways," Garnet answered. "But things we've discovered or... just discerned ourselves has given some answers."

"And?"

"She thought Steven would be better then her," Garnet intoned.

Bismuth was quiet for several moments, before saying, "Well... if the last five years are any indication, she may have been right..." Bismuth shook her head. "And that is... I mean, he's not actually Rose?"

"Pearl, Amethyst, Greg and myself were there when he was born."

"Yeah, but those could be faked-"

"Spinel never affected me," Garnet cut in. "And I remember. Perfectly."

"But... what if she's lying? What if she's just pretending to be Steven or whatever, and she's still there?"

"You've known him for the past five years. Do you think he's Rose?"

"....No. I don't."

"Good." And now Garnet's eyes flashed, just as her visor rematerialized. "Because if you doubt it, if you try to _hurt him_ —"

Bismuth chuckled, a little nervously, and threw up her hands. "Stars, alright, I get it. Calm down, your Ruby is showing."

"Oh, that was just as much Sapphire," said Garnet.

"Yeah. I know. Just pulling your leg." Bismuth sat back down on the mattress, which groaned under her weight. "All three of ya were always hopelessly overprotective."

Garnet waited a moment, then rejoined her on the mattress. She sat there, saying nothing.

"So. How're you holding up?"

Garnet shrugged. "Fine."

"Mmhmmm."

"Seriously. I'm doing... fine." Not great. But... "Steven's older, but he's safe. Everyone's safe. They're free of anyone's control. And you're here." Garnet laid her head on Bismuth's shoulder. "That's the one good thing I've discovered since coming back."

"Sap," Bismuth teased, pressing a kiss on the top of Garnet's head.

Garnet was silent for for a moment. "I missed you so much Bismuth. Everyone did, but... After you went missing, Ruby and Sapphire could barely hold together a fusion for days after."

Bismuth smirked cheekily. "Really? I broke up the Power Couple? That's impressive."

"Just for a few days. And only on off time." She smiled at her. "Don't get a big head."

"Still..." Bismuth trailed off, not finishing her thought.

They sat there for a while longer, Garnet resting against Bismuth's shoulder. Warm. Comforting. Familiar.

"I'm glad you're back, Bismuth. Even if the reason why you were gone is... not pleasant, I'm glad you're here."

"Yeah. Me too, Garnet. But there's still work to be done."

Garnet nodded.

"I guess you could say..."

Garnet groaned good naturedly. " _Please_ , not this..."

"It's time to get down to Bismuth."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: this chapter includes discussion of unhealthy relationships, low self-esteem, self-harm and suicide.

Amethyst spent the morning cooking. Mostly for herself, piling food stuff after foodstuff after not-technically-foodstuff into a giant mixing bowl and stirring it all together. It was mindless, mostly, and it was easy to get lost in the gratification of eating.

She didn’t go completely out of control, though. Once she’d eaten for herself, she got some proper cooking done. Baked cookies, even though the precise measuring required was so boring she nearly pulled her hair out. Set them in the oven, letting the warm smell of cinnamon, peanut butter and chocolate fill the house. Then she turned to boiling pasta, chopping vegetables, and stirring up a tomato sauce, not adding even a little bit of engine oil. 

When the others got back, there would be a human meal waiting for them.

It was a good hour past the usual lunch time, and Amethyst was wondering if she should start on some kind of side dish (salad?), when Steven finally came through the door, looking weary. 

“Heeeey,” Amethyst said, dragging the word out in an attempt to look casual. “Welcome back!”

“Hey,” said Steven, giving her a passing glance. 

Amethyst stood on her toes, looking past him. He seemed to be alone. “Where’re the others?”

Steven began up the stairs to his loft. “Pearl went to the barn.”

“And Connie…?” 

“Still at her parents’ house.”

“Oh.” Amethyst bit her lip. Steven and Pearl had left early that morning to head to the Maheswarans, and sort things out with them. Steven had looked absolutely terrified. Amethyst had punched him, told him to perk up, told him it’d all be fine. 

Judging by his distant, pale expression, that had been a lie. 

“So.” Amethyst rubbed her shoulder. “Uh. Any way I can help?”

Steven turned slowly around, looking around the room. “You can help me pack up Connie’s stuff?”

“Oh,” said Amethyst.

Steven said nothing. Just turned silently, opened up a drawer, and started to systematically pull the clothes out of it.

Amethyst ground her teeth. She was gonna _pound Spinel’s face in_.

That wouldn’t help Steven, though. Not right now. 

“What?” Amethyst said. “You’re just gonna get right to work, and not try any of the food I slaved over, all morning?” 

Steven stared at her, as if she’d said something in a completely different language.

“Get down here and eat my pasta,” Amethyst ordered. 

And Steven smiled. “‘Kay.”

* * *

After the disaster that had been the attempt at recreational group film watching, Peridot had spent the rest of the night curled up in the hammock with Amethyst. They talked a little, but for the most part, they’d both been too worn out for that. They’d just lay there together, enjoying the comfort of each other’s presence.

Peridot thought she may have even fallen asleep. She’d never much cared for the act, finding it something of a pointless time waster, but just then, it had felt like something of a relief.

She’d been woken up by Amethyst stirring and, and her initial reaction had been disappointment. She’d wanted nothing more than to stay lying there. Then she’d suddenly been hit with something near panic.

Things, Peridot knew, were not good. Her friends— all of them—  were not doing well. It was her duty to help them as best she could, and that could not be accomplished if she allowed herself to just lie around selfishly.

So she got to work. She visited the Rubies, and helped stifle the tremors that were still running through them. She recruited Leggy and Army into assisting with the farming, and to provide them with the physical exertion rubies traditionally required to burn off their excess emotion. She gave Pumpkin a well-needed snuggle, for the poor veggie had picked up on the tension and was very on edge.

That was when she had seen Pearl, who was wandering around outside the barn. Not looking... lost, precisely, but uncertain.

Seemed to be a lot of that, lately.

"What'cha looking for, Pearl?" Peridot asked.

"...Lapis," she said. She was holding something to her chest, Peridot noticed. A piece of paper?  "Have you seen her?"

"Yes," Peridot admitted, but she did not say where. "She said she wants to be... alone."

"I understand," said Pearl. "But I have something to give to her. It's from... Jasper."

"Oh."

Pearl nodded.

Peridot... honestly hadn't been all that affected by the truth about Spinel. Or rather, she'd been _affected_ , of course, but in a very different way from the others. She was shocked and hurt by Spinel's usage of them, and pleased by Garnet's return, and horrified at the turmoil that had overcome everyone.

But personally? As far as she could tell, Spinel hadn't done much to her, besides erasing Garnet and substituting herself. Her beliefs, her relationships, her personality... they'd all stayed pretty much unchanged.

Then there was Lapis.

"I can bring that to her, if you want," Peridot said, a little too quickly.

Pearl hesitated. She had promised that she would hand deliver the letter to Jasper herself, but on the other hand, Lapis and Peridot were close friends. And had been, for a long time, even predating Spinel’s interference.

And Pearl _did_ want this letter exchange to go well...

"Alright," Pearl said slowly, handing Peridot the letter. "But make sure this gets to Lapis. And... try your best to make sure she reads it."

"Right. Of course. You can count on me."

Back when it had just been the two of them, Lapis had had a lot of thinking spots. The back of the truck, the hammock corner, the top of the water silo... most of them hadn't _disappeared_ , exactly, but they'd become less and less private. Lapis had never minded before, but now she needed somewhere _quiet_ , where a Ruby couldn't stumble on her and just... well, be a Ruby.

So she'd gone deep into the forest, to an old oak tree. There was a bird's nest at the top, where Susan lived. Susan was the bird that they and Steven had helped nurse back to health, years ago. It had long since flown away, to have its own birdy life, but it had stayed around the area. Lapis liked to spend time with it and its many offspring, occasionally.

The climb up there would be long and pretty tricky for someone with small limbs. Thankfully, Peridot didn't need to climb. She used her personalized Metallic Levitation Disc to float easily to the top.

Lapis laid on a branch. Her eyes were closed. "Pssst," Peridot said, in a fierce whisper. "Psst, Lazuli. _Are you asleep_?"

"No."

Lapis didn’t open her eyes.

Peridot hesitated. "Are you... alright?"

A pause, before Lapis answered flatly, "Yes."

Peridot had gotten better had reading people. Part of that came from her extensive TV viewing time. But it also had to do with just being around people more. And she knew that when Lapis started giving short, to-the-point answers, she wanted to be alone. It was always then that Peridot would fetch Spinel and let her talk things through with Lapis.

Peridot gulped. But there was no Spinel anymore, or at least, none of her influence.

"So, um Lapis. I know you probably came out here to be alone. A-and that's okay! Sometimes people should, uh, be alone. So I can understand that—"

"Peridot, is this going somewhere?" Lapis asked pointedly, still not opening her eyes.

"Yes. I... have something for you."

That caused Lapis to open an eye. Just one. She zeroed in on Peridot. "What is it?"

"A letter."

"From?"

"Jasper."

Lapis closed her eye again. But then she opened both of them and sat up, with the air that this was an exhausting feat.

She stared at Peridot. Or rather, the letter she was holding.

"I-I understand that you might not necessarily _want_ to talk to Jasper, or indeed, even think about her, but— but I don't think she's going away, and ignoring her just doesn't sound feasible, and she clearly wants to talk to you, and—"

"Stop."

Peridot stopped.

Lapis's brow was creased. She thought for a long time, long enough that Peridot began to fidget.

"I need to read it," she said at last.

Peridot nodded, encouragingly.

"But I don't think that I..." Lapis trailed off. "You do it."

"Me? But the letter's addressed to you."

"Read it _out_ to me," Lapis said. "It'll be easier coming from... your voice." A pause. "Please?"

"Ah." Peridot turned the paper around in her hand. Then she maneuvered the disk to place herself onto the the branch, and tucked the levitation device under one arm. "Okay."

She unfolded the paper, and began to read.

Peridot struggled with that, partly due to how it was written in the ornate, traditional Gem script which had been by and large abandoned in Era Two. But mostly it was because the letter was messy, to say the least. Large sections of it were crossed through or scribbled out. And there was one particular patch where it looked like Jasper had gouged out with her pen.

With another glance at Lapis, Peridot started reading:

_"Lapis,_

_Things are strange now. With Spinel's meddling discovered and our true selves brought back out, it's left things a little at odds._

_I know what's happened between us. And I know you know. If you hate me, if you never want to see me again, I can understand that. But I just wanted to say-"_

Peridot paused as she came to a marked out area. She scanned the lines, looking for where it picked up.

_"Sorry can't make anything right. Only actions. And I want to show you that I'm willing to put all that aside and maybe build something new. But only if you want to. Otherwise-"_

The gouged out area. Peridot skipped past it.

_"—if I have to. If that's what it takes for you to be comfortable._

_I hope you don't ignore this. I hope you’ll respond_

_J”_

"And... um... that's it," Peridot said, double-checking there was nothing else. Yep. Nothing. "Uh..."

Lapis had her eyes closed again, her expression so blank it was almost serene.

"Lapis?" Peridot peered up at her, worriedly. “Lapis, are you—”

Then Lapis started _laughing_.

It was slow, at first. Just soft snorts and chuckles. Then it grew louder and faster, with Lapis practically wheezing as she laughed.

It was not a nice sound.

"'To make me comfortable,' she says," Lapis repeated, slapping her thigh. "To make _me_ comfortable. Stars, she's so _stupid!"_

"Uhhhhh....."

" _She's_ sorry," she gasped between guffaws, "for what _she_ did to _me_. Even cured, she's still buying into Spinel's lies! She actually thinks— she's forgotten that—"

Peridot tried to place a hand on Lapis’s leg, but Lapis automatically slapped it away. Peridot flinched; Lapis recoiled, sobering.

“Sorry,” she muttered. Her expression looked genuine too, but only for a moment. “But _you see?_ I hurt people! She's acting like I was— like I'm just a— this sweet, submissive little— _thing_ Spinel made me, but I'm— _I_ hurt her. I _trapped_ her."

"I was under the impression that she trapped you?"

"Oh, at first. She pulled me into a fusion." Lapis smiled, her fangs showing. There was a dangerous edge to her voice. "But I made sure we _stayed_ there."

Peridot shifted on the branch, growing uncomfortable at the look Lapis was giving her.

“Steven found us once, while we were fused. With his psychic powers. He wanted to find us, to _help_ us... And I _wouldn’t_ let him.” Lapis’s wolfish grin had grown so wide, it was in danger of splitting her face in two. “I chased him away, telling him I was just protecting _him.”_

"B-but you were! Malachite was extremely dangerous—"

"It was never about protecting Steven. Not really." Lapis barked out a laugh. "It was about having a punching bag. We were at each other's throats every second, each trying to gain control from the other...

"And I loved every second of it."

Peridot blinked, unsure what exactly to make of that. "You... _liked_ fighting with Jasper?"

"Not liked. _Loved._ All my rage and anger and hatred finally had an outlet. Being poofed on Earth, trapped in the mirror, brought back to Earth, and then forced into a fusion... I took it all out on her. Every ounce of it. And I had no plans to stop."

"But neither did Jasper!" Peridot cried. "She was planning to hurt you, and Steven, and the Gems. By keeping her trapped, you were protecting people!" Peridot knitted her brow. "Besides, surely Jasper wasn't helpless. She hurt you too, while you were fused."

“Yeah... she did...” Lapis’s smile trembled ever so slightly. But she just shrugged it off and shook her head. “But that doesn’t matter. What I did to her... It’s what happened to me. I took away her freedom. I held her there, against her will...

"I _became_ the mirror."

“That’s not true!”

“You’re right. I was _worse_.” She chuckled bitterly, even as tears slowly streamed down her cheeks, her whole body shuddering. “The mirror never preyed on insecurities because physically trapping someone wasn’t enough... But I did. You want to know why Jasper hurt me? She was just lashing out at everything I did to _her_. I _made_ her hurt me.”

"No. You can't make a person _do_ anything."

"Spinel would disagree!"

"You are  _ not _ Spinel!"

Lapis stared at her, face frozen in shock. And then, her expression crumbled, and she began to sob.

"Lapis..." Peridot wanted to give her a hug, but feared that Lapis wouldn’t like it. She preferred the tears to the horrible not-smile, but she had no idea what to do.

She’d never seen Lapis cry.  _ Never. _

"I  _ miss her _ ..." Lapis mumbled.

"...who?" Peridot asked, not sure if she meant Jasper or Spinel.

"Both of them." 

Lapis’s whole body shuddered again as she tried to stop herself from sobbing some more... and failed.

"I can see the lighthouse from the barn.” She stared at the ground as she spoke, her voice hollow and distant, almost as if her words had nothing to do with her. “At night, I can see the glow from Spinel's cell, and... It would be  _ so  _ easy. I know the passcode to unlock the cell. If I could just... one touch..."

Peridot gulped. "Y-you... You  _ want  _ Spinel to alter your memories?"

Lapis smiled again, less sinister and more bittersweet. "You didn't know. No one did. I thought maybe Spinel would tell, but..." She closed her eyes again as she leaned back against the trunk of the tree. "Spinel took it all away, y’know. The mirror, the imprisonment, Malachite... It was all gone. I still remember that carefree feeling. No trauma, no pain, no regrets. It was  _ bliss _ ."

"So you want Spinel to come back and…  _ assist  _ you?” 

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” Lapis sighed dejectedly. “I just don't want to feel like this anymore."

"You can't—"

"I know I can't. I'm not  _ stupid _ . I know how dangerous I am, near all this water. If Spinel took control of me, she'd get all of you too."

"Oh, come on." Peridot forced a smile. "You'd be  _ no match _ for my attack drones."

Lapis's mouth remained a thin line, but her eyes crinkled a little in amusement. "If you say so."

Silence. A bird, probably Susan or one of her descendants, came back with a worm. All the little birdies cheeped and squawked as they waited to be fed. The Gems watched them.

"That is still disgusting," said Peridot, as the parent bird regurgitated partially digested food into the hatchlings' beaks.

Lapis shrugged.

They waited until meal time was over and maybe-Susan had snuggled into the nest, before continuing their discussion. 

"The problem is... I  _ know  _ I could go back to Jasper. I know she wants me, one way or another." Lapis closed her eyes. "But it's probably best for both of us, if we don't..."

"Ever talk to each other? That's impractical."

"It's a big planet."

"That's not what I meant," Peridot said. "It’s impractical because if you don't, you'll... I don't know. Might do something you'll regret."   
  
"I told you. I'm not going to let Spinel out—"   
  
"That's not what I mean!" Peridot retorted.

"Then what  _ do _ you mean, Peridot?" Lapis asked defensively.   
  
_ "I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself!" _   
  
Peridot's words echoed all around them, startling several birds in the area. Even maybe-Susan ruffled her feathers, but seeing her old friends, she decided there was nothing to fear and settled back into sleep. 

And, for the first time since their conversation started, Lapis was at a total loss for words.   
  
"Lapis, you said... You said you don't want to feel this way anymore. And if things keep going the way they are now, I...” Peridot’s voice shook as she continued, “I’m worried you might decide to do something drastic, like cracking your gem, or  _ worse _ ... just to make it all stop.”

"Peridot..."

"I don't want anything to happen to you! You're my friend! I—" Her next words caught in her throat, replaced with a sob. She closed her eyes to hold back the tears threatening to spill from them. Her body tensed, then went slack, the flotation disk falling from under her arm. 

A few moments passed; Peridot felt a hand on hers. She opened her eyes and saw that Lapis had sat down beside her. She didn't say anything. She just kept looking at the ground, but her hand remained in place.

"For all that she was," Peridot said, after regaining a bit of herself. "Spinel did have one good idea."

"...A weird love of westerns?"

Peridot shook her head. "That talking to each other and not letting these feelings build up and  _ explode, _ is a good idea."

Lapis was silent for a second, before asking, "You think I should speak with Jasper?"

"When you're ready, yes," Peridot added. "I think that would be beneficial. If you keep burying this...  _ Something  _ might happen. Something that can't be easily undone."

"I suppose I have to... at least let her know..." said Lapis.

Peridot said nothing, waiting for her to continue.

"I'm going to write her back."

Lapis got up and stretched her wings. 

"Where're you going?" Peridot asked.

"The Temple. For paper and stuff." They had that at the barn, but Peridot understood why Lapis wouldn't go there. "And to talk to Steven."

Good. Talking to Steven was good. Talking to  _ anyone _ was good.

"I'll come with you," Peridot said, taking her disc. They waved bye to Susan and flew off, together.


End file.
